jerry's blog: "Lost Serenity"

Hi my blank space of white.Its been a few days.Right now you are my closest friend.Here I can get it out.I don't have to listen to anyone but myself.Yesterday was my first counselling session with my soon to be x.I really didn't like it too much .Not that I'm to good to be counseled.Its just that the pain that filled the room was very intense.I heard a radio talk show host say once that the way a relationship starts is the way it ends and while I was sitting there in the church building we got married in the thought rang true.Why do people hurt each other out of love?That is my thought of the day.As I am here sitting at this pc writing some of my thoughts out I am wondering if I will heal to the point to want to try again with someone new at a later time.One thing I do know is that when you are damaged,emotionally physically and mentally you feel cornered.At least that's the way I feel right now.I am really kind of withdrawn now.I throw in a fake laugh here and there just to keep people off of me because I work alot with the public.Still doing that faking happy shit.I hate it!!! I do have a couple of great friends who are really my friends who have pulled along side to encourage me but they don't always know whats in my mind.I have tuned the other cheek so many times that the bone is showing now.So now I will begin to fight for myself because I finally realized at 48 years of age that no one else is going to do it for me.Now I have to make sure I don't fight too much in the wrong direction.I am so out of balance now.I guess its one day at a time,time.