jerry's blog: "Lost Serenity"

Today is one of those days where I came on here to do what I need to do to level up,but its just not in me right now.Someone on here that I like posted a statement on here that made me think of a young woman who really changed my world.The statement was If you love someone and set them free....if they come back they are yours.....if you have to stalk them then its not meant to be.I don't know who reads these but I am going to tell you why I have made this my escape hatch for now.This young woman I am talking about was fourteen when I met her.I was forty-two.We worked together in a business that I own now.At first we were just friends but as she got older we became a lot closer to where we were confiding with each other about our problems as well as some deep personal things.So we grew closer still.She knew about my marital problems and would encourage me to look within myself and change the things what were making me unhappy.One day after coming back from the mountains I asked her would she meet me for lunch,I needed to talk to her.It was then I expressed my deep feelings to her.She already knew but I had to say them or I would end up regretting it later in life.We both agreed that it was not the right time and space to be together with me still being married and she getting ready for college.I guess at this point you may be thinking that we were having sex.If so you are wrong.Although we both wanted to on several occasions we knew it would be wrong.My heart wouldn't let me for I have a great respect for her.We also knew that the time was coming where there would be a separation that would naturally have to have to occur between us.And it did.Age is just a number to me right now at least while I am in the shape I'm in.However I am not foolish.I am running out of time here.She met someone more her age and we talked about it.Her happiness is most important to me whether she was with me or someone else.So the day came where I said I loved her and always will and set her free.It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do for it was the first time I had truly feel in love with someone.You may be wondering here how I could be married for as long as I have and not truly love the person you are with?All I can say here is that it came about through circumstances and not love and it was a relationship that I thought in time would work out for the best.As I said before I am overly loyal and too patient.I call them curses because they have caused me great pain and many set backs in my life.Always thinking of the other person first I guess you could say.Well......she changed all of that the day I let her go.She in a subliminal way got me to wake up to the fact that I need to work on my happiness instead of using myself up for everybody else.She is the only one that ever got all the way in.I miss her terribly.However I haven't contacted her but once since that day.It was short,just to say thanks for the drive and for waking me up to make the changes I am in the process of making now.There is a great gulf fixed between us now.I can see her light on the horizon but I am in very stormy seas and will have to ride it out.I still have a lot of fight left so I am not going to let my ship sink.I am preparing for phase two now.A trip to the mountains in November for two weeks this time,not one.When I come back I am going to make some big changes that will surprise a lot of people.If anything she taught me how to fight for myself and the only way I can ever thank her is to overcome and make it.Fate will be what it will be.I do know that I can't waste time dwelling on the what might have beens.