jerry's blog: "Lost Serenity"

I find it amazing how everything hangs in the balance,one way or the other.Its been three weeks ago today since I made the decision to save myself from a relationship that had me in a slow bleed mode to the point to where it started effecting my whole being.It seems that LOVE in the beginning were cupids arrows.Full of life and fun and the exspectations that come with the arrows.Now it feels like bullets.You are ducking and hiding to keep from being hit from the pain of what it turned out to be.I used to be the life of the party.Now I don't even want to go.This may seem stange to whoever reads this but as I said before this is my therapy until I can bring myself to center again.And I will in time.For time is the weapon of choice for everything if you think about it.I have always hated being here,even from early childhood.In this world I mean.It feels like a prison to me.Not that I feel I am better than anyone else.I have just never liked this system.Its never really worked for me.Maybe I have missed managed myself being too nice,caring and loyal.Trying to stay on the positive side of the energy I guess you could say.I believe in reincarnation so when I make this next statement maybe you will know where I am coming from.Although my spirit hates this place my soul wanted to come back and my heart followed.While in the process of being I have been seaching myself as to why.I am a good person who always in some strange way ends up being taken advantage of in one way or another to the point to where I have been truly affected as to what's the use now.Yet I must keep going for my spirit is very strong.If it can't pick up the slack here and becomes as weak as my heart right now I will stay lost here.I had a chart done on me several years ago and what was in it baffled the people that did it.They had been doing charts for over twenty-five years and have never seen one like mine before.I think I know what the problem is now and its going to be challenging to fix.if it can be.I have the most balanced chart they have ever seen and it was then that I started taking true notice of my life.And over the past few weeks it has become abundantly clear that,that is where the problem is and has been all my life.The question now is how do I fix it?How do I become balanced in a system I don't feel like I fit into?Is this what I am supposed to learn this time???