XaviRoseMaiden's blog: "Real stories"

When you live in darkness , for so long .. 

you have to force yourself to find the light , the hope , in any particular situation .. 

you have to have moments of courage , then though they cause fights they stregthen your character and your resolve

its too easy to always feel like thier the owns winning ... but it makes you feel weak .. 

fight for rights ladies 

when it comes to food , shelter , acess to food etc .. 

i know im not the only one .. who had a person in their life at some point that controls everything .. 

 Love gives us freedom to make choices , even bad ones sometimes .. but its still your right .. 

Never give up hope , never beleive your not worth , and get out of the house sometimes .. get some air to breathe .. 

Never give up your voice ... 

The best friendship is friendship that makes you grow ,

Friendship that makes you think .. 

Friendship that makes you question .. 

Friendship that is real 

Friendship that makes you laugh 

Friendship that makes you cry 

Friendship that inspires you to be the best you can be 

When life gets lonely and theres someone who still cares  that's friendship 

A friendship worth keeping , is one that is meanful 

We all have different types of friends 

They come and go .. and affect us in some way 

But amazing ones  leave footprints in our hearts .. 

And we hope they will  never leave us 

Because the world would seem colder without them .

I WAS A BABY WHEN I HAD YOU

Iwas still staying close to my mother side .. 

I knew my  world change when you came into it , for the better 

You gaveme a purpose , when i didn't know what mine was .. 

Over the years i've gotten better at this mothering thing .. 

And we've had some special moments . ive taught you things my mother taught me 

And taught you things my father taught me .. 

I was so proud when you picked up my camera and started taking pics .. and now your amazing .. 

I was so proud when started writing .. and i encouraged your every effort and now you write like a champion .

I was so proud when you started drawing .. and now you even put some adults to same with your skills .. 

The sky is the limit for you .. Theres nothing that you can't do! .. 

One day you'll have oyur business and youll be bossing people around and i'll smile .. cause i always knew you would be .

Cause your a great leader 

A kind , compassionate soul ..

And of everything i've done in this lifetime i'm most proudest of you .. 

Loving you always and Forever Mummy

Happy Birthday Nia Rose .. 

xxooooxoooxooo xooo 

I spoke to my lil brother today .. he needed someone to talk to i listened to him .. and then i told him all i could to help him he's a good soul , I love him so much it breaks my heart to see him suffer ..

but onthe reverse side of things it makes me happy to see him doing well .. 

he's thinking and planning his future and im so proud of him .. and who he is .. and who  he wants to be .. 

it brings a tear to my tear not to be there with him . but im there in spirit loving and encouraging him to be the best he can be .. 

So young was he when we all lost our mother , barely even a teen .. we've all had to help him grow up .. and show  him life could be mean .. He has his own daughter now .. 

Whom he loves with all his heart 

He's trying to find his way in the world , 

And sometimes doesn't know where to start .. 

Our best friends are brutally  honest .. 

Our aquaintences tell us lies .. 

You have to find and value yourself .. 

And bring good people into your life .. people who will stand by you .. because you stand by them too .. 

I love my lil Brother so much .. that words can't even say .. sometimes i try to be like  his mother even when im far , far away 

Crazy  folk songs , and vegie mite sandwiches , blokes , sheilds and beer , are just some of the things other people think australians are known for , but there is so much more to this beautiful county , so much more to its kaliedoscopic landscape , so much histiry so much culture.. there are so many stories to tell about the hearts of the people there .  Living in Australia all my life until i finally left home at the young age of 20 .. 

Then spending my twenties traveling the world, in love with a soldier .. a small child to raise mostly on my own , while the man i loved was off fighting the war on terrorism .The baby grew up fast , being a first time Mum away from all that i knew and still being young and spoilt myself i made alot of mistakes but i also did some good things i taught her how to read , i taught her some basic german .. I taught how to talk to people to tell stories .. i did my best  to be a good mother .. 

it was kind of like the old war romances , see your husband for a while then he was gone a year , and then were tend to everything while he was gone , essentially they taught us to be independant .. not need them .. 

Month would pass slowly , we would keep everything on the calender .. the first month was always the hardest used to all the support used to having a man around , my lil one used to having her Daddy , but as the time grew on , we were to busy overselves , have a life outside what we knew .. they encoraged us to go out and explore .. we'd hear from him whenever he could he was good at that .. Sometimes you could gunfire in the backgorund .. in distance .. I used to  watch the news , but then i couldn't sleep at night .. cause i worroed too much . i worried we would never see him again .. I prayed for his saftey and even when things were bad i wanted him to come home and have his daughter again ..  The soliders wifes spilt into all different types of groups  to me there was the good loyal , hard working types ,  ones who waited patiently for thier soldier to come home . I spent some of my time around those people .. but i still saw the other types .. ones who had boyfriends while thier soldiers away , ones who even went as far to get pregnant .. some who spent all the money the soliders earned while in Iraq . 

you couldn't believe the things they would buy to fill the void of loneliness .. wall to ceiling cupbaords , fancy gold jewellry .. movie collections that would ast a lifeime .. we didnt have much connect with them but we could them send them things , send them box of what they wanted , and they only asked for the every basics .. living out in the field  , was kinda like camping to a civilian  but in iraq it was even worse .. but thier lives were in danger . the heat  was enough to most most people sick .. and the gear they had to carry .. weighted on heavily on thier tired shoulders .. they barely ever got a decent nights sleep .. 

Us wifes we lived for every phone call , every letter , anything a just a word to know we ok . it wasn't a life for everyone .. the divorce rate skyrocketed even while they still out there .. the Army wasn't the place to have a family but they tolerated it .. knew it  would happen , the gfs in the army didn't get anything no support .. i felt bad for them .. i was one once .. back in Korea . 

Some wifes decided to stay stateside with thier families and have all the support ..they needed .. but most of us couldn't bare the thought of not being there when they stepped of the plane .. some of the families were lifers .. they were doing 20 yrs in so they could retire and never had to worry ahgain .. 

one deployment was enough for me , once i knew the bombs were so close , once i understod the true danger of it.. ll . i couldn't under any cirrcumstances sent him out there again .. i remember worrying   how i felt if he lost a limb .. i remember thinking i'd have to cope with that . 

but the hardest things were night times while other children were tucked up in thier beds by their Daddies , her Daddy was off at war .. the questions were hard to answer too .. especially while she was young ..  "where's Daddy Mummy .. and even before that  just crying for not even to speak .. just wanting him .. and having him .. those time were the worst .. 

i tired to compenstate her room was filled with toys .. it was hard to find her sometimes .. she had own tv , own movies .. i just wanted to give her everything .. Well didn't work just made her a brat . We live and we learn , as long as we are real our selves . Some of us never want to grow up and sometimes we don't .. 

But to me to grow is to change , to change is to adapt , to find a way to survive .. most people who haven't lived a hard life woudn't make they wouldn't have the determation , just wouldn't know how to deal with it .. but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger ....

You make me feel So insignificant ..sometimes 

you make me feel so small 

You make me like i ask for so much when i ask for barely anything at all 

you crush my hopes and dreams , you can control everything .. 

anytime i even try to get ahead , your always the first one to say i'll fail .. .

you never there in my corner .. cheering me on ... ..

Today you came in to yell at me ... at 6 oclock in the morning cause i ate food ...  

i'm supposed to eat , and so is she ... 

sometimes i really hate you .. for being so cruel .. 

I wonder how i could of loved you at all .. 

Your your jealous rages lasted last for days .. and days 

you only ever want me to be alone .. 

you don't value anything about me , not even my smile .. 

you pull me down and then beat me mentally for trying to get up .. 

I wish i could be like you , do things i didn't love to do .. 

Sometimes i wish i didn't care .. about anything or anyone at all ..

you use anything i tell you against me when we fight .. 

Your not the kind of guy to ever say everything will be all right ... 

It's hard to breathe around you .. 

I'ts almost impossible to be who i am .. 

You drain the life out of me ... 

i walk on so many eggshells around you not to make you mad...

and even when im around you  for a day you make me feel so sad ... 

Blood is thicker then water 

and he loves me .. so much 

why is that , when have exactly what want , we dont know how to deal with it .. 

and its only after we lose it we gain the ability to know exactly what it was that we lost ... 

time by itself doesn't always heal wounds .. 

time is just always there , no matter what .. 

I just remember 

when i gave up everything for you .. 

at the cost of losing time with my family .. 

the stupid choices i made .. 

the ones i can't take back 

how mad i made my family .. 

so sad .. 

so now even though it hurts i have to be real .. 

i have to face the facts .. that i could of lost them .. 

if they decided that was to be the case .. 

how many years will it take before i can go home again .. 

 or will i send her my only daughter and give her everything she desires in this world while i wait .. for another opportunity to spend time with them  again ... i don't deserve them right now .. but i need them more then ever .. 

If i only had a crystal ball sometimes i would of made different choices ... 

but since i  don't  here i am till i get myself  out ... 

Little girl i worry each day , about you ... 

i worry about what the future holds .. 

I love you with all my heart and soul.. 

She is part me , part him .. and part undiscovered .. 

She is the one who's cuddles make me feel like a million dollars ..

she smiles and no matter what mood is was in before .. im happy then .. 

She is my Sunshine !

I live to give  her joy 

to help her grow .. 

to teach her things she doesn't already know .. 

i hold her hand and she holds mine .. 

we'll be  together till the end of time 

I'm better mother then ive even been before ... 

and each year  we grow closer still ... 

nothing can tear us apart .. she lives deep within my heart .. 

The hardest thing i've ever had to do was leave my family ..

and now over the years i've done it a few times it never gets any easier .. 

and more time with me , and get to know them all again , its so much harder to leave .. 

I remember crying on my lil Brother's Shoulder so many tears , Just not able to stop crying not wanting to leave but having to .. 

Knowing i had to come back for my daughter , otherwise she would never trust my word again .. 

A part of my soul belongs at home , and a part of it seems to belong here ... 

a whole years passes and life just keeps going .. everyone gets busy ... even my brothers God i miss them .. I miss all my aussie family.