Dragonfairy's blog: "Its whatever"

Recently I turned 30 and I sat here looking back at my life and have started to realize that things keep repeating and going in what would look like a circle. I went from getting married very young and having kids to a failed marriage that had very sad last couple of years. I left with the notion that I would search deep within myself and figure out what I wanted out of life and what I needed from relationships in the future. Well before long I was tossed into another relationship that seemed to start off really great, all the things I had been missing for so long were available or so I thought. After two years of slowly loosing everything in my life to isolation and pain I finally stood up for myself and made a change. Couldn't of come any faster. And again I was looking into myself worried that I would never figure out what my needs and wants were and what was going to make me happy in the end. So I took sometime for myself alone away from a relationship (with some wonderful help from a great friend with benefits) and searched again. This time wanting to figure out me before I tried to be with anyone else but honestly the loneliness was getting to me. While the sex was being taken care of the other stuff you get from being with someone, loving someone was not really there. I got the mind set that what I needed was to make friends, meet people and get out there in the world and make some connections as I found myself. I did very well for a bit until things went hay wire and I had to take a step back and rethink what I was doing. I thankfully found not only a great outlet to figure things out but also a good group here locally that is more into the types of lifestyles that I am into. This would give me the chance to find like minded people and made someone who was more open minded and trust worthy. Then I met the guy who is currently my bf and while I was still dead set on just being friends at first the spark that hit right off the back was a nice feeling. Things start to go pretty fast but really great at the begin and there was a connection that I hadn't found with anyone else before. It was great, so we made a big choice and moved in together. Then things got rocky and the struggles of working and managing our new apartment started to stress us out. The passion and affection and sex started to become a distant memory of the past. Plus truths of the past started to come to surface and the trust issues were now in full play. How could I fall for someone who has a history of sneaking around and keeping in contact with all of his exes. Now this all got called out and he has worked on all that but the biggest problems are still at large. He goes up and down from being very affectionate and attentive to being very distant and just plain here. Basically the biggest problem is the level of affection and the amount of sex is almost not there at all. These are two huge things because of the fact that I am a highly affectionate person and a nympo so both of those are needed for a successful relationship. So I am trying to figure out what to do, we talk about it and things start to get better then go back down but I am honestly starting to think that the reason I am unable to be completely happy is that yes while he is open minded and willing to explore many things in the BDSM life style he is not as open as I am and there are some aspects of relationship situations that he is not willing to try. So I sit here with the mental list of who I am, what I want and need and while somethings are easy to compromise on others are not so much. But what do you do when the person you love and want to be with isn't as open as you are. How do you bring up subjects like that. I keep struggling everyday with what I am going to do cause I still feel the pain of a plain vanilla type relationship that my marriage was for almost 9 years and I can't do that again. Hmmm well for now things is my rant, comment if you want to but please remember this is my blog and you don't have to read it lo.