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After a relationship: Three steps to recovery, and the most commonly made mistakes
Aside: There are absolutely NO time limitations regarding these stages of recovery. The duration of the previous relationship, the level of emotional commitment, and the circumstances surrounding the ending of the relationship all contribute to the length of time required to move through each step.
The first stage after a LTR break up is rather obvious, in my opinion. We are hurt, angry, and suddenly feeling incredibly lonely. It is usually this stage when most of us return to the dating scene, hoping to get back some sense of "togetherness" that seems to be constantly on our minds. We look for others to patch up the holes, so to speak...sometimes we even consider re-entering (or attempting to re-enter) our past relationship, simply because we convince ourselves that we miss that person, no matter how difficult the relationship really was. We plague ourselves with questions about what we could have done differently in order to avoid the end. This is the "f*cked up the fairytale" stage, or as some would say "carrying around baggage". People who choose to re-enter the dating world at this level are emotionally unstable, and will rarely if ever be truly ready for a lasting relationship. YOU WILL GET JERKED AROUND. This doesn't happen because they are being malicious, but rather, they cannot possibly have anything to offer when still consumed by the ghosts of the past.
The second stage is typically marked by not being consumed with emotion every time we think about our previous situation, and often, even smart, rational people make the mistake of thinking they are ready for a new relationship at this point. The problem is that we haven't yet discovered who we are on our own terms yet. In a LTR, your sense of self is often defined by your role in the relationship. Simple things like socializing with friends may take on a completely different atmosphere, much like a feeling of something misplaced. How can we possibly offer anyone else a real shot at a relationship when we still don't have a sense of who we are on our own yet?
The third and final stage is learning to move on. After going through the hurts, rediscovering who we are, and finally feeling comfortable on our own, the idea of getting into another relationship can be a very scary thing, indeed. We worry about the pattern repeating itself, and the feeling of hurt is still fresh in our minds. For those of us who attempt dating at this stage, we are very guarded, and often quite unwilling to open up and allow someone else to see us for who we really are. For another group of us, we decide a long term relationship just isn't possible, and we opt to "play the field", in a sense, protecting ourselves from the possibility of re-experiencing that kind of hurt again. You can't get hurt if you don't care about someone, right?
Only after ALL THREE stages have been successfully navigated, will someone truly be ready to consider a fulfilling, long term relationship. Talk to each other about your history. Pay attention to the warning signs I've outlined here, and choose people who are emotionally ready for something real.
Good luck out there. :) As usual, comments or critiques are welcome.
