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I'm ranting. Bear with me. I mean seriously, I'm ranting and talking in circles in this blog.
So I haven't been online since tuesday evening. Been at Drew's house. Well, I haven't decided what I want to do at this moment in time. The landlord still bugged me after my post of "one more and I'm out of here." granted he hasn't since Matt spoke to him, but at the same time Matt told him the same thing years ago, hell months ago even. And that quiet never lasts long. Never... The landlord usually starts talking to me outside of phone waves and comes over. After all the sexual harrassments and threats ove the years I'm just so fed up and done with it all. The stress is too much for me. When I'm here I just don't sleep well any more. I don't feel comfortable in my own home and it doesn't feel like my home anymore. I'm on the fence as to if I want to move or not. If I move I have a place to go where I'll be paying VERY LITTLE. If I stay here, I'm paying 800 a month alone for rent with a 600-700 take home pay check and I down right refuse to dance anymore. Thats also to prove the girls wrong. I mentioned to my co-workers last night that I was quitting the bussiness and they LAUGHED at me and told me "You'll be back, they always come back, your addicted to the money just like all of us." But the thing is, I'm NOT addicted to the money. Psh, I only made enought to pay my bills any how. And some nights not enough. Atleast now I KNOW I'm getting a pay check. But yeah. I love my roommates, they are sweet. But they have issues paying rent. They still owe from last month and still need to pay this months and work is hard for them to find. And Matt still doesn't have a job but found all these legal things the landlord is going against so he would be fine, take the bum to court, he's in contempt anyhow from the last time we went to court. He was court ordered to fix certian things by this spring it was to be done. Well NONE of it got done. So he's fucked. Also by the new laws that were passed. He isnt't allowed to charge us $900 a month when someone moves in when our lease says $800 a month. And apparently he is supposed to pay our gas bill not our water bill unless its stated in the lease. (Matt's been doing his homework). So Him I'm not worried about. So yeah. Drew offered me to move in with him. It's only goin to cost me $200 a month, IN ALL. And its tempting. I can pay back my mom the money I owe her. I don't need to worry about losing my home. I don't need to worry about if I'm going to have good roommates or bad. Thats a thought that crosses my mind anytime I move someone in, are they going to fuck me over? Are they going to be cool? Do they make enough to pay their side of the rent? etc etc. And think is, and I didn't think I would hear myself saying this. I think I love him. I'm not saying in love but just that tiny step. Yeah thats going to piss some people off. But think about it. Drew has been my best friend for 5 years. And I saw him CONSTANTLY for 5 years. Hell we have a pic together from 06 from hanging out at the club. LOL after 2 years of hanging out I finally got him to sit still long enough.
Ok, Little back story. I met Drew when Bill first took me to haven. Haven was my birthday present and it was my 18th birthday. I met Drew there on that day and after that we hung out every week. Flirted chit chatted. Everytime one of us asked the other out the other was dating and annoyed that we didn't get the cance. So recently when we both found one another single we jumped on it. I'm never sad around him. He never annoys me to the point where I give him the cold shoulder or yell. When I'm sad he makes me happy. He calms me down when I'm freaking out... like when I broke my nose -_-. But in general he's been making me happy and wants me in his life. And lives close enough that it wont disrupt my life. At all. If we break up he moves back to his bedroom upstairs and I get the whole downstairs apartment for the same rent. So that also doesn't worry me. It's a "have it made" situation. So hence being torn. Wonderful place. In the woods. I MISS THE WOODS!!!!!! Where I can go hiking and fishing and work with the horses. And then I have my home in the City of Agawam with matt where I can't afford my lifestyle but I've someone around I can hang out with and play video games with who I do care about and would never want to hurt.
Over the years Matt and I have been through alot. We were enguaged at one point. Had out ups and downs. Lived together on and off for a good 3 years. Had puppies together LOL. And spend every day together still. Granted when I lived with mom he and I were apart but I still visited. Now I wont beable to because I wont have a car until March. If I move in with Drew he's getting me a car, or if I so choose I get his car when all his payments are done in March and I love's his car. It drive like the thunderbird I used to have. And then I can visit anyone I want. Sigh. I don't know what I should do. On one hand I WANT to move in with Drew and live there in the country I so badly miss. On the other I don't want to leave Matt hanging and possibly with out a place to go but eventually NEIGHTER of us will have a place to go because I can't afford my rent here and I'll end up at Drews anyhow. I've been over there since wedsday night (now that I think of it). Taking care of Bean, the horse that claimed me. I'm learninghorse grooming and sadling and I love it. I will be riding after the horse and I become connected. I'm learing the english style as opposed to american. I've also been cleaning out the downstairs apartment for when and if I move in. I'm really thinking I might but I also don't know. The offer is there and open and I will decide with in the next few days officially. *shrugs* Both sides of my heart or in conflict. My love for my friends. And my love for my hubby. Or is it my mind and my heart? I don't know anymore.
Would be nice to have a little feedback. Good or bad.
