I got woken up this morning by Dietrich crying at like 3 am. Checked my phone only to realize I had several text messages from Duane. I guess I was sleeping so heavily (which hasn't happened since we've been apart) but he tried to get me to wake up :(. But I did get his I love you message. Which is something I've been waiting for, for awhile now.
He had a note up on facebook so, of course I read that. I guess when you're that busy and all you're trying to do is to stay safe just one more day, that is a one more day closer to coming home to everyone and everything you've ever known. And to shut off completely to that world, really only helps you stay out of harms way and do the job you trained many months and for some, many years for.
But in all honesty here, we just don't think like that back home. While we want our soldier safe, we also want them to take the time to think about us and miss us as our hearts are breaking-- thinking will he call today? will he get online today?
We leave little messages here and there, emails that never get read, messages that get no replies telling us how much we're missed and how much we're loved back. Its emotionally stressful, and it leaves you in a state of anguish where all you do is obsess over it. And the questions come flying at you from inside yourself. Has he just forgotten me? He tells me he loves me on the phone, but why hasn't he sent me an email or a message or better yet, a handwritten letter, spilling out the words and professing his love for me, as I have sent many his way. It isn't the sex we think about (although its more times than none for me) its the connection we desire.
The many good dreams I have of him coming home on R and R and how I'll fix any sexual desire both of us have. Those first few moments of seeing him getting off a plane and running toward him and holding onto him for what seems like hours, isn't far off from seeing it any romance movie. The many make out sessions that will come, leading into making love for the first time in months. Is all this built up anticipation, which we would LOVE to talk about is nothing but a dream waiting to turn into reality again someday.
I show Dietrich his daddy pictures everyday, I know that if I were there and Duane were back here, I wouldn't want Dietrich to forget me (which he wouldn't do as is) he loves his daddy and smiles whenever he sees pictures of him. Does he understand where daddy is? No. Does he understand what daddy is doing? No again. But does he understand that daddy is gone? Yes. He understands that he isn't here with us, he just doesn't understand why. Sometimes he cries out for Duane and only gets me. He misses him and has slightly gone through separation anxiety of Duane not being here. Hence why he wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, every night since we've been here. This kills me inside. And no matter how much I try to make it better for him or how much I try to keep his little heart from breaking, I can't do all that much when it comes to missing his daddy.
So, I cry out once more. We miss you! We love you! Come home to us unharmed.
