DJ ROB BLACK WOLF OF MISSOURI's blog: "some of my writings"

as i walk threw the valley of death. start looking back on life. i challenge every beast and demon i come accross. they laugh and turn away. i find death himself and challenge him he turns and walks away from me. i ask why will he not take my soul. all he says is cant due to my soul has already been stolen by someone. i ask the gods why is it that i am being punished. the images of you come to my dreams and the memories of all teh pain i had caused. i tell the gods to take the ari from my lungs for all of time. instead they make me suffer by fibing me hope and then shut the door on the path just as i get close to my dreams

i love thi so much i would die for thi.... i would write i love thi in my owen blood 1,000 times. to show how much thi mean to me. but the voices in my head say to thy that to just give up cause thi is never going to come back fully.. cause thy keeps fucking up.. no matter how hard thy try to say thy feelings they come out all screwed up... so thy have gave up on saying how thy feel... thy will just deal with stuff on thy owen.. that way thi dont feel as if thy is taking it out on thi.....cause thy would rather kill thy self then take or hurt thi for any reason

 

 

 

as my soul dies so does my heart why should i keep going with this hole in my heart. they say once the soul starts dieing tthat there is no truning back. my soul was saved once by the love of a woman. but she is done now and there is nothing i can do to stop my soul from dieing. i dont know what to think anymore. the voices in my head are not making sence except the one telling me that im just a fuck up and to let my soul go cause there is nothing i can do to change the things that i have fucked up. and will never have the love i had from the one woman that loved with everything i had. so tried of a bleeding heart. my soul is just dieing from trying to fix the bleeding heart. and there is nothing i can do about it cause i have lost the love of my life forever. i gues ill just have to deal with having a dead soul and wait for the body to die. i just feel like i would be better off if i just faded away that way i can hurt or cause the one woman i love with al my heart and what is left of my soul. i had my angel in my life and all i did was poush her away. i even did what i thought was right and also put my feelings out on he table for them to get shoved aside. and it is was already for seen what would happen if i love my angel and there is no stoping my soul from dieing..

 

 

 

 i sit and wait for u to make up ur mind and let me know how u feel about me and when u tell me.... i feel realy good but then after i spend time with u things change again not sure what to think anymore... all i know is what is in my heart is true love... i have been told if u love someone then the past dont matter and if u are in love with someone u will be with that person no matter what.. u will work things out with the person u are in love with and trust that person..... unless u are giving proof not to anymore.... but with the love i have i never will leave thi side no matter what has been done in the past i just look for the future... all i ever want is the truth no matter if it will make me dought cause if i get told i have been lied to i get upset cause i dont know what to belive all i ever want is the truth cause if u love someone u never lie to them about anything expectly if u say u love that person and want to work things out with that person

 

 

 

when ur in love with someone that shares that love. a heart will not bleed it just keeps on beating... but when the love is gone and things just fall apart a heart only knows one thing to do and that is stop beating and start bleeding out... and shrink when that happens the soul in the person that loves someone so much they would rather die just fades away and dies.. and there is only one thing that can stop that from happening but that will never happen... cause the one loosing the soul has fucked up one to many times and the person that the lost dieing soul is in love with deeply does not belive a word that comes out of  the dieing souls mouth..

 

 

 

i was a lost soul wondering around in the dark trying to find my way. then you came into my life. and the darkness went away. i felt like i had found what i was searching for. but now your gone out of my life and im cank in the dark not even trying to find my way. i just sit and cry out your name with tears of blood running down my cheeks. hopeing one day that my angel comes back to me and the light and the joy i felt will be back again also

 

 

 

i long for the day that i can hold you in my arms again. to be able to run my fingures threw  your lovely hair agin. i would love to be able to press my lips agaisnt your soft lovely lips again. i even would love to be able to kiss every ench of that lovely very sexy body of your again one day. but i guess all i can do is hold onto the memories of our time together and wish and hope that one day that you will come back to my arms and let me hold you and all again one day

 

 

 

as i walk the streets trying to find what im looking gfor i hear your voice in my head that is lovely voice teling me that ill find what im looking for and that you still have your love for me. then something brings me back around and i relize that it is just a voice in my head and wishful thinking. then my phone rings and it is you on the other end wiht that soothing lovely voice of you. i just long for the the day to hear those three speical words " I LOVE YOU" to come over the phone from your end again. i just hope one day to hear those words from you again. but when we get off the phone they never come out from you. and i start to think that i will never get the one think that meakes me the happiest in the world and that one thing is you!

 

 

 

the love for a woman can be a lovely thing. it also can b e a deadly thing as well. it is very lovely when that woman you love so dearly knows how you feel and shares the same love for you. but when u love a woman so much that you would do anything in your power for her but she dont have the same love for you. it makes you want to end it all to stop the pain of rejection.

As I sit here thinking.

imaiges of your face and smile flashes threw my mind.

I somtimes wonder what life would be like if things have went differently.

Then I look at what I have now and relize.

That I would never change or give up what I have now.

 

 

 

 

Promises

promises are just words to make someone feel better.

some promises are keep some sometimes and some are broken.

to  me promises are just words put together.

promises that are broken can hurt some people very much.

to some people promises are words of honor.

But to me promises have no meaning anymore.

 

 

 

Looking back

I look back on my life and see what I have done wrong and what I done right.

Then the toughts of people that I have loved and the people that have loved me.

Then I relize that I have let so many people down also hurt so many people as well.

I find myself asking what is my purpose here in this world.

 

 

 

 

 

Wondering wolf

The wolf wonders the land looking for that special one.

now that the wolf has found her she is gone just as fast.

She was taken way from him even though she says she keft on her own.

Now the wolf wonders around lost in this big curel world.

The wolf's soul is still with atht special female wolf even though she dosent want him.

 

 

 

   ..I site here and think here are two souls conneceted in the dark

always hiding in the shadows trying to run from what is realy plain to everyone else also.

one day there will be light on the two soulz that are traped in the dark but instill that day comes those are just lost soulz.

and the whole world will know when the light shows the lost two soulz the way out of the dark cause also comes wtih them caos and mayham.

one of the lost soulz are full of firer and darkness, the other soul is full of life and happiness.

the only good that will come of the two lost soulz being free from darkness is the balance they will offer to others.

so I sit here thinking of the two lost soulz waiting to leave the darkness hopeing and praying that the day will come soon.

for it is then that this old man can put his mind to ease about his own life and get to living again.

for when that day comes this old man will have fire in his life again.

 

 

 

i sit here night after night with the thoughts and inamgies going threw out my mind and in my sleep i still hear your loving voice telling me just wait and things will be ok.but my heart and soul says theyy miss you so much that they cant keep going on all they want to do is serival up and die. cause without you my life is so empty and meaningless. soill just sit and wait for death to take his toll on me. seeing how ive cheated him out of getting me and when you was my lover death was to affarid to come close cause he knew i found my purpose in life. and that was to be with you and be happy.but now that your goine death is knocking at the the door to my soul again. and my soul  has told death that he can take me soon. but my soul told death to go ahead and take him now. the soul just gave up on even trying. and the heart bleeds more and more each day. wiht out the angel that was there with her loving to heal it every time it would start to beak and to bleed. but  now the saving angel is gone forever cause i cant control my miced up feelings. so now mr. death has tookoen my soul and will have my heart soon. and then the body will be the last to go. and when that day comes we dont want the angel to be upset or worry we are better off of being gone we will no longer hurt from pain or causeing pain to the angel we love more then anything in this life time............ so we welcome death

 

 

 

i will always love you no matter all the hell i go threw with you even after the day i die cause trying to prove my love to you has just pushed you away but also you have killed my soul and pushed me away evne though your being so fucking blind to what you have standing here in front of you in me .. all you know to do is run when things get rough. but that dont mean i dont love you cause i will always love you even beyound the graveand just hope one day that you will open you eyes and see that i will always love you and ill be waiting for you with open arms the day you get you head out of your ass and want to be with me cause i love you for ever and always will even though you killed my soul tonight on the phone i feel so cheep and used but that dont mean shit cause i will always love you wiht all my heart what is left of it  one day you will get the help you need and see how much i love you and hopefuly ill still be alive to hold you say that every thing is ok but even if im not around just remember that i love you and always will even in the land of the dead

 

 

 

 

the mind can mess with how you feel about yourself. it can be realy  bad when you love a woman so much that life itself dont matter. and now that your gone out of my life my soul is dead and the body isshutting down as well. it is just a matter of time before the body shuts down. you said you were todaly in love with meand my lite up. but now your gone my soul said goodbye to the world. i have closed myself off to the world.. that way i dont  get hurt anymore cause im tried of hurting and yes this time you are to blame you took my heart and soul and just killed them botheveryonesays your only thinki9ng of yourself but that dont change the fact that ilove you i willl love you to the day idie and honestly i hope it is soon butthat dont mean that i wont carry my love for you forever cause i will  be in love with you forever

 

 

 

My eyes look down at my heart
bleeding as it shall every ever be
it can all be traced back to the very start
when i said it could just be you and me

you and me couldn't stop hugging
i didn't see the sudden train coming
the lights blinded me
and i couldn't start running

It ran me down
and it ripped me apart
but don't think Ive left town
I'm still in there somewhere deep deep down

we said we would make it this time

 

when things got rough

 

i lost my mind for a bit and hurt you

 

more then i relized

 

now i have lost the love you said you had for me

 

so now im so empty inside

 

i just miss the love we shared with each other

 

everyone keep telling me

 

that we wouldnt make it but you said

 

yes we would

 

i belived it and i always thought you would be there

 

as my love but your not

 

so i walk around as a zombie heartles and souless

 

i lost my reason for living and that was your love

 

 

 

 

 

i sit here looking back towards where you lay at night with tears in my eyes i relize that i have destoried what we had. you tell me not to give up and be pateint. but there are times i wish i would just be able to tel you what is in my heart soul and on my mind but i try to and all i do is mess that up to where you get upset with me and say im pushing and all. cause i keep putting it in the wrong tone or wording is all wrong.. out of everyone  i have ever been

i know what is in my heart but need to put the heart down. no sence of keeping the feeling out in the open when they can not be showed back or shared. i just cant keep going like this so as of now i have incased my heart in a prison of stone. with no opens for light or anything else to get into it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i look into your eyes and i get all warm all over when i am with you nothing else around us matters to me. then as i drive away the warm feeling truns to coldness.  your my whole. at one time i was yours. but now i m just there for a fimar face. it is like we never had loved at all

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they all say im crazy for loving someone like you. some say  your out of my league and some say that im not good enough for you. others say that your not good enough to be in my life. i had you in my life once. but i pushed you away you say im your deariest freind. with how i feel about you just makes hearing that harder then it was before i ever told you what i felt for you. they was right i am not good enough to ever be with you. so as i fade in to the darkness i bid fairwell to you . i will be around in the darkness watching over you waiting for the day you want me or you can love me back

 

 

 

as i fade into the darkness i whisper in your ear that i love you and always will. you look around and im not there. it hurts for me to not be next to you. it is the way it has to be i tell myself it is to protect you but it is to protect myself. it kills me to know the love is gone. after being told that the love was stronger then anything

 

 

 

 

i see your face every where i look . i see you in my dreams at night. as i trun the corner i see your  face. i told you that i would always love you. but i wonder if i would ever be missed as a lover if i was to leave this  world today.

 

 

 

i once walked in the light with you be myside. i was full of warmth and love with you by my side. we had a wonderful life together so i thought. then one day the darkness came in as you left i felt the coldness of the darkness cover my whole body. my heart and soul is still full of love for you. my life has fallen apart since the day you walked out of my life. as i look back i relize that my life now is what i deserve for what happened between me and you

 

 

 

 

 

 

i never knew what love was or felt like untill the day you had came into my life. you was the most inportant thing in my life. you stole my heart right away. i walked away as i watched you walk away with my heart. my body and life is so empty now that your gone. as i sleep i feel your touch and love. i awake to find that your not there. i find myself praying for the final sleep or the answers to get your love back. i still love you and always will cause you still carry my heart wiht you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i have made alot of mistakes in my life. there are alot of them i regreat as there are mistakes that i dont regreat. the bigest mistaek in my life i wish i could go back and fix is the day i let you go. been told that i made a mistake falling deeply in love with you. to me that wasnt a mistake at all. my other mistake was giving up on getting you bad. i said and di something that was a mistake that i wished i never did. there are times that i feel i should die cause of all the mistakes i have done that hurt the one i love. my ultimate mistake in my life was not fallowing my heart instead of listening to other people

as i walk threw the shadows. i look back on life in the light. I remember all the pain that was caused by others and inflicted upon others. i stay in the shadows to stay away from the pain. as i try to erease the memories of that one true love for one certain woman. but they just wont go away. the person that said it is better to have loved and lost then to have not loved at all. must of not ever been in love. the pain that comes from loosing that one true love can be dealy. it can kill someone to love and lost then never loved at all as i look at your picture. i imagine that your laying next to me sleeping. i remember sitting there and watching you slep the nights that i couldnt sleep. i remember looking at you and telling myself that i was laying next to an angel and that i was the most lucky guy in the world. and told myself that i never want to loose you. one day i ended up loosing the best thing in my life Ive been so lost with out you in my life. i wake up threw out the night scared and depressed cause i pushe dyou away. then after you left i seen you in person instead of in my memories. all the pain i caused you hit me all at once and then came the tears. i tried to say how sorry i was but the words just didnt come out right. i didnt want to let you go. i didnt want to leave you cuase i knew it would kill me away not knowing if i would ever see or hold you in my arms agin. as i drove off i seen the pain of me leaving come accross your face. i then felt your arms around me again but you wasnt there. as the other people seen me on my way home they seen the tears that fell for you.no one knew why i was crying. the same feeling came accross my boy body like it did the day i watched you drive off and i didnt even try to stop you. i lost the love of my life that day. i knew who i have always wanted but i just keep letting you walk way. and i never tell you or show you how i feel untill your gone. i will never for give myself ro just letting you walk away

As I walk in the valley of darkness. I carry the memories of your in my heart. I now stay int he darkness to keep from getting burnt by the light again. I look back to only watch you walk away. When i look forward now all i see is darkness. I hear your voice in teh darkness but i know it could'nt be you. Since i watched you trun and walk away from me into the arms of another man. Therefore I now walk threw the valley of darkness to hid my pain and tears of watching you ,my light and true love, walk away from me. I will always love you my love even while i walk in the valley of darkness I lay here with your picture next to my heart praying that one day that i can hold you close to me. Like i had done so many nights before. I cry myself to sleep relizing i ruined the best thing in my life and pushed the one person that means the world to me away. When i get asked how i'm doing i tell the ones that know me best that i miss the one i love more then anything. That one is you my angel. I would crawl threw the deepest parts of hell on my stomach to prove my love for you. I nearly break down in tears when i talk to my freinds about what happened cuase i relize that i have lost you forver. But to prove my love for you i keep on breathing even though i dont belive that i deserve to. I tell everyone taht the thoughts of you is what keeps me going day after day. I love you my angel!! Always and forever just for who you are. And to me your perfect and very beautiful. I must go lay my head down and drift off to sleep so i can hold you and kiss you in my dreams like. I once did in true life. I love you my beautiful sweet angel blesses be I walk around every where i loook I see memories of our life together. As I walk past our last place together my eyes fill up with tears. I get home look around and i remember all i had said to you and i get angry at myself. As i break down into tears. I feel as i cant live with my self for all the bad stuff i had caused in your life. I yell out your name in pain saying im sorry. But it does me no good now for your not able to hear my words or how much pain i am in. I relized when you drove away what you ment to me and that i couldnt live a happy life without you. as i lay down for the night i break into tears wishing you was laying next to me. as i start to drift off to sleep i kiss the ring that once was wroen by you. hoping that you can feel the kiss. as i enter my dreams i ask the gods to make them come truse of you or if not to let me stay asleep forever He relizes that he hurt the one and only love of his life. he sits in the darkness beating himself up with hopes that death will come soon. he wont dare take his own life for the fact of a promise he m ade his love. as he lays down at night he hears her voice in his head and he starts crying out her name. asking for forgiveness for the godds. he wakes to himself screaming out his loves name to find that she is no longer there and that all he is holding is the pillow that she once layed her head on at night. when he awakes in the morning he starts to cry once again. he then relizes that this is the life he deserves for the rest of his life for what he done to loose his one and only ture love. as the winter storm approaches. i find myself looking back on our life togheter. the icey cold of the air reminds me of how cold my world went the day i lost your forver. my heart and soul still belongs to you my love. i walk in the cold day light hoping that one day the coldness in my life will end. i sit and think about what all had happened i think break down into tears of regert frm what i have done. as i look apon the sharpness of the razor blade. i relize words are like razor blades they can be very sharp and cut you very deep also even kiss the haeart and soul of a person. I relize that the way my life is going is my punishment for all the razor bladed words i had said to you. i would walk threw a pit of fire and take on the devil himself to prove how much i reqret saying the words i had said to you. and to prove that my love for you is without a dought 100 percent true. your the only one for me and i have destoried that