Spanky McTushy's blog: "Random Writings"

she sits alone and wonders why? why does she hurt? why does she cry?

emotions deep within her soul well up into her mind, a longing for answers a longing for peace is what her spirit tries to find.

she sits and ponders days gone by, of past heartbreaks and times of despair.

she runs her nails down her arms tearing at the flesh feeling no pain but the pain inside, she stares into the abyss, it stares back not knowing her pain it knows nothing of the love she's missed.

it sucks her emotions bleeding her dry, she has run out of tears to cry.

it gives nothing back, she feels no relief, all she feels is her soul's deep grief

she longs for a moment of welcome release, she longs to feel love, she longs to set her soul free to hope once more and to love.

a minute goes by she sits frozen not moving an inch, not a tremor not one tiny flinch.

she raises her head, on her face is an expression of deep comprehension.

she stands up straight and faces the clouds above and unleashes a banshee-like cry, pouring her emotion not into the abyss but into the sky.

she feels free, she has found her relief she has found the one thought that lessens her grief.

in her mind was a dove, released from the bounds of her pain it flys on the currents of hope, it heads straight for the dark and cold of the abyss like it's being drawn by a mental rope, it dives into the abyss and floods it with hope.

the darkness implodes in an icy supernova leaving nothing but a spark of light.

the light shines in her eye from that day forth, a light of hope, of dreams and of joy, never to be extinguished again by the icy nothingness of the abyss, never to be doused by thought of chances missed, only to be fueled by the happiness the future holds

I once heard the eyes are the windows to the soul, behind one man's eyes is a deep dark hole

a permanent nightscape of the mind, completely barren, nothing to find

there are no thoughts or feelings within.there is no hope for them to begin

withdraw your gaze from the void you will see a man, he looks annoyed

annoyance isn't on his mind, if you were to open him up that isnt what you'd find

if you had the compassion, the courage to dare, you would only find despair. despair at himself, at the feelings in his heart.

he is on the edge, at the end of his tether, he cannot break free, he cannot see forever.

he sees nothing but the pain inside, there is nowhere left for him to hide, his mind is empty of all fear, he's crying inside but you don't hear.

he cries for release to be free of the bonds of his soul, to break himself away from that deep dark hole.

he wants to be free, to head towards the light, to leave behind the darkness of night

he would welcome the release with open arms, embrace the light and release the harm.

this man is within us all, at one time or another, you recognise him as you would a distant brother, he is in all of our souls, in all of our hearts, but for some he will never be seperate, you will never be apart, pains others cause you will draw him forth, he will speak to you when you are weak and distraught.

if you embrace him and know he is there, he will not consume you, he will not leave you bare.

if you are strong of mind and strong in your heart he will not ever tear you apart.

go placidly among noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. as far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all people. speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others - even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. if you compare yourself with others you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real posession in the changing fortunes of time. exercise caution, for the world is full of trickery, but let this not blind you to what virtue there is. and many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism. be yourself, especially do not feign affection, and never, never be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment love is as perennial as the grass. take kindly the counsel of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, for many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. you are a child of the universe; no less than a tree and the stars, you have a right to be here. and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a very beautiful world. be careful and strive to be happy

I sit and look and think and stare at words that cause me such despair I wonder why they get to me am I reading more than I see? I try to think and my heart sinks, I feel a sickness deep within It wont come out I want to shout I want to bellow to the world I wish these thoughts would go away and leave me without dismay I search my mind I search my soul I feel nothing but a hole This hole is dark it tears at my heart I feel like it’s torn apart Is there any sense? Is there any reason? Why do I have this hole within? Is it me? Is it my mind, are my thoughts betraying my feelings? The feeling is immense the emotion so intense like a fire burning my soul Tearing me apart from the inside fighting to reach the outside I see a face, a face I love, but these feelings are burning inside, I cant survive against my thoughts they torture my soul and ever widening is the hole The pressure in my soul boils to the brim and I cant contain it within My emotions erupt in a burst so abrupt I feel like my heart is no more My mind goes wild, from a being so mild a growling sound escapes The anger spills forth like a volcano, with no barriers, no brakes just the emotion it takes I want to bark and to howl, to savage and show no mercy The feelings relent, the emotion is spent, leaving nothing but deep remorse

i'm sitting here right now, wondering about people. why people do some of the things they do. how people can come into your life for the briefest of moments yet you never forget them. wondering how it is that you can meet someone, talk to them a couple of times, yet know more about them than you know about people you've known for years. i wonder why it seems that some people only enter your life just to hurt you and what reason there is behind that, is it a sign that you need to re-evaluate where your life is headed, or is it just because they themselves need to re-evaluate their lives? i wonder how it is that some people seem to float through life as if they don't have a worry in the world when the majority of us have so many. i wonder how some people can be one person with you yet another person with other people, do they even know who the real them is? i wonder why some people will talk to you once or twice, tell you things about themselves that are close to their hearts and then never really speak to you again. and then.... i wonder about myself. i wonder why i let people get close enough to me for them to be able to hurt me. i wonder if i should distance myself from those around me more than i already do. i wonder if i was a different person maybe they would be too. i wonder if opening myself up to people that don't really know me is the best thing, or if i should avoid new people and letting them get close to me, to know things about me that so few do. i wonder if the people i have put my faith and trust in realise what they hold in their hands. who knows if anyone really knows themselves

i've been sitting here a lot recently just thinking things over, a lot of the time its the same things again and again, but then there are a lot of other things i think about too. like, why? why do things happen the way they do? why cant things be different? and why does wishing on a star never work? why do people say things when they dont mean them? and why do things happen that you really wish wouldn't and things that you really wish would, don't? i dont know the answer to those questions, but, i sure wish i did i sit and think about all the things that are happening in my life and i wonder if things will ever be the way i want them to be, i think of all the good times i've had and think of all the bad, the bad really seem to outweigh the good but i know i should be thankful for all the good things and really truly i am. life isn't perfect, it never will be, i guess we just have to make the best of it and hope that some day all our dreams and hopes will come true. its a long shot but you can always hope. right? there are a lot of things i'd change about my life, a lot of big things, some i know are going to change for sure but others i'm not so sure about. i sit and think about what might have happened if i'd done something different, if i'd had the nerve to tell someone how i felt, would things be different now? or would they be the same? i know we cant change the things that have already happened in our lives and i know we should all be glad of the good things that have happened, i know i am. there's a lot going on in all of our lives and i know we all have a lot to think about, bit of a pain really, wouldnt life be amazing if you didnt have to think about things so much. thinking can cause you pain, thinking can bring you pleasure, a nice memory outweighs a bad one tenfold and i'm thankful that i have good memories to look back on. i look forward to all the new memories that i'm going to be making in the future, the good and the bad, i look forward to them both equally because i know that without one, what would be the point of the other? i can see my life ahead of me changing, i hope its going to be for the better, but theres always the chance of plans that are made going wrong and unexpected things happening. just got to take the rough with the smooth. i cherish my good memories, they help me through the worst of times,without those memories i wouldn't have a lot to cherish. i know the future is uncertain, but i know that with the memories i have and the knowledge that i have many more good memories to come is enough for me to know that the future looks good. i've sat and thought a lot, i've sat and said a lot, i've sat and wished a lot, its now time to try and make those wishes come true, no matter how tough the road ahead looks i have my guardian angel, my soul-mate, now i just need a plan to help me along that uncertain path

sittin here.........sittin here...........type, type, type.........sit some more......sneeze..wipe nose....oooh music!....hmmm.....next track.....that better...."DING"...ooh messenger....meh, no-one i wanna talk to right now.......ok, this track sucks......next.......next!.....NEXT!......Jesus, 20,000 tracks, you'd think i could find one to fit my mood........sneeze...sniffle....choke...cough.............sniff sniff..mmm dinner wont be long....am i gettin fat again?..... check body out....meh, still nasty lol.....sit back down..................next track.................air guitar.........feel like an idiot, hope nobody saw......sneeze......yawn......think some.......get distracted by the simpsons on tv, old episode but funny......scratch nose..sneeze!.............dude, how much longer is dinner gonna be?!......dinnertime! =D

Why? thats a question i've been asking myself a lot recently. Why do people do the things they do? Why do they say the things they say? Why when everything is looking to be heading up not down does something always happen to bring it to a grinding halt? and WHY does life have to be so damn complicated? but, that's one of those things that nobody can answer for you, it's something you have to figure out for yourself.

Why am i so angry!? i'm sitting here fuming inside boiling with an inner anguish and pain what is the rationality behind it? i guess thats the point to be angry leads to irrationality irrational thought leads to irrational actions irrational actions lead to more pain more anguish more boiling anger its a vicious circle why cant i end it? why does it start? it starts every time with a simple action a gesture a facial expression a feeling of being shunned feeling alone being alone my anger starts to boil i feel alone with my thoughts no distractions just the inner anguish bubbling inside pressure builds my expression changes rationality leaves my mind irrationality reigns inside i try to vent i start to vent the small voice of reason sounds in the inner recesses of my mind don't do it calm down how? why? would it be so wrong to vent? yes why? venting is a good thing surely no venting leads to calm but for anyone caught in the bubbling torrent of anger anguish begins they havent done anything to deserve the anguish and pain irrationality has caused their pain but why? why did the irrationality begin? Jealousy a feeling of being ignored loneliness being alone with your thoughts the jealous thoughts why do they occur? loneliness what does loneliness cause? jealousy what does jealousy cause? anguish inner pain irrationality what does irrationality cause? loneliness it is a vicious circle one i hope to break all it takes is three words