I've come to realize lately that while I may be confident I am afraid of being alone again. I am afraid of not having someone to share holidays with, and not having someone to hold me on a bad day. So I was willing in my stupidity to give up what could have been perfect. I was willing to just throw it away and think that I would never look back at it in disgust with myself. Well unfortunatly I look back at that one sentence I let come out of my mouth and wish to god there was a time machine that I could go back and change that one moment in my life. I could be truly happy if I just allowed myself to stop being so afraid of moving forward. Giving up on something that will probably never happen. I was the stupid one and I let the first good thing slip through my fingers. I like mens attention, I like the way they smell and the way their arms feel around my body. I like the way they talk, and listen, and make me laugh. What I don't like is when I feel like I'm being used by one or more. When I feel like my heart is being pulled in every direction it could possibably go into. I fear that I let it break and now I could never hope for it to go back to it's normal shape. I was so happy for awhile. I was almost blissful, and I let it go. I was to scared to be happy, thought things had to be tough on me. Thought how could I deserve to be this happy. So here I am I got out of work 4 hours early and I'm here on this not in anyones arms, not feeling anything but hurt. As it rises in my body, I push the tears back, I only want to be happy is that so much to ask anyone to be able to offer to me? If I can't be with you which I can't when will I ever find someone close to being as good as you were to me? Will I keep going back to guys that take me for granted? will I keep hurting myself just so that I'm not alone? I hate this part of me, the girly side that is so afraid of what life has to offer I stay where I know I should not be. I could of had it all but I let it slip away, out of fear.
