Wingnut FM2 Viper's blog: "The Wingnut said--What?"

For Best Results: The black jelly beans are the most potent (smells like licorice); Use other colors to make jellyfish glow in the dark; Spark wisely.

It is the 60th annual 4^th of July family reunion barbeque at the beach topped off with the yearly fireworks over the water. Your children have looked forward to this gig since Memorial Day while you have dreaded it ever since Cousin Billymae Joleen took a swan dive off the hood of Uncle Frank’s truck onto the half melted ice filled 50 gallon beer cooler. However, you consider that, given Mrs. Brain’s non-slip triple tread fail-safe advice with the fresh lemon scent, you can execute the perfect road trip and survive any eventuality that could possibly occur. It merely requires a little strategy.

You will need:

Enough Food to feed the 7^th fleet

Electric bean counter

Portable Campfire

2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 parakeet and 5 goldfish

Vehicle with gas

Flying carpet, just in case

Family members without gas

A mask, just in case

Jelly beans in a rainbow of fruit colors

Step 1

Plan your menu of items so that you can pack your cooler of food, portable campfire, dogs, cats, parakeet and goldfish in the car without singing your upholstery in case the campfire tips during those madcap turns on the Tangy Portal Highway that leads over the rivers, through some woods and past grandma’s house that was foreclosed last year. Pass masks just in case passengers did not read the manifest that clearly stated “non-farting family members only” and ate more than a regular dose of jelly beans. Keep all shoes, suspenders, flying carpets and shirt buttons must be securely belted. However, bare feet and goldfish may safely hang out the window for proper ventilation as long as you are facing sideways on the one way street during a six car pile-up.

Note to Self: Clean last year’s jelly beans from flying carpet before packing.

Step 2

Negotiate parking place en route to picnic site with a quick call to Aunt Norma while stuck the six car pile-up on Tangy Portal Highway and Exit 185. You can easily make up for lost time by tacking the flying carpet onto the trunk of the car and filling it with black jelly beans. Carefully light the carpet with electric bean counter the while family has a Chinese fire drill. Hold on for dear life as the car zooms over the six car pile-up, the three car pile-up and the 14 car pileup at Exit 124. Instruct children to wave gold fish up and down and cover them like smoke signals to serve as hazard lights in order to ward off police cars with flying carpets.

Note to Self: Buy more Glowfreshener to brighten the fish.

Step 3

Land the car squarely between the line of Porty-Poo Huts and the Shaved Ice Wagon. Use the provided Pickled Spice Gel brand aftershave lotion to give your ice a nice glow while unloading the car and toting its contents single file toward the designated picnic area. Carefully aim for the exact halfway mark between Tequila Sliders and the Preaching Gossips. Quickly spread the shaved over the picnic table, finely coated with the Pickled Spice Gel. Now you are ready to set your portable campfire in place for cooking, cleaning, and serenading fireflies. Hide your stash of extra BBQ sauce behind the tater salad and slaw so 15^th Cousin Gildeheen can’t sneak it away to slather her ribs. Also cover your favorite strawberry cooler pie because Uncle Benny tried to take everyone’s pie last year for his contest with no competitor.

Note to Self: BBQ sauce is safe, but who took the slaw?

Step 4

Once fed, send family to Grandma Betty for storytelling, kiddy games, microbiology lessons, and getoutfromunderfooting. Remember to sidestep Cousin Billymae Joleen’s gymnastic show with a tequila twist with a detour around the outer perimeter of Preaching Gossips toward the shoreline, and then back toward Cousin Eddie’s party mixer where the older men toss horseshoes and talk about the days when every self-respecting student walked barefoot 12 miles uphill both ways toward school. If you don’t care to join this traditional foot baring rendition of how it was sports, take a walk toward the knitting circle where 9^th Cousin Cupie shares the dirt on who plays the best pranks where she teaches school after walking barefoot 12 miles uphill both ways in the snow.

Note to Self: Need a pedicure. 12 miles uphill both ways is quite a trek.

Step 5

As dark begins to take over the shoreline, light the extra jellybeans to feed the fish. This will guide your swimmers back to the site without scaring them into the shark infested water on the other side of that wave right there. Point your finger toward the dots that sparkle against the distant horizon. If they zoom into the air, call them fireworks. Otherwise, call them bad fireflies. While everyone is ooh-ing and ahh-ing over these magical displays of colorful destruction, sneak back toward the car, dragging your kids as they look longingly toward the show. Arrange the flying carpet with a fresh set of jelly beans for your own quick display of fireworks. Hurry your brood into the car as the flag pops in the sky and start your engine before anyone realizes the show is nearly over.

Note to Self: Cousin Billymae Joleen is sprawled across the roof of the car.

Congratulations, you just survived another family reunion BBQ at the 4^th of July Fireworks at the Beach Bash and Tell. Now you merely have to zip out of sight before anyone else reaches their car.

***

Mr. & Mrs. Brain live beyond the sticks where dogs and cats can tell the difference between rush hour and lunch time while neighbors use landmarks as street names to give directions in answer to “can you get there from here?”