Wingnut FM2 Viper's blog: "The Wingnut said--What?"

For Best Results:  Always keep an out of order sign which you will affix to the door of any given facility, should you need the privacy.

Do you have a problem finding the facilities until you really need to use them? Do you suddenly discover every tourist in your town lined up at the same facility you just chose to use? Do you wish you knew exactly where the closest NOT “out of order” facility was located at any given moment, should you need to avail yourself of its appliances? Search no more, my friend.  I, your ever increasingly wise advisor will enlighten you about the secrets of discerning the closest facility to your present location, wherever that may be.  Of course, you must obey certain rules without fail.  This goes without saying, I’m sure.  Naturally you, astute reader that you are, can see the wisdom of always following my guidelines, so I know you will memorize each one. (refer to the rules below)

Disaster at the Mall?

Suppose for a moment that you just finished the Big Super King Maximum Thirst Quencher from your favorite convenience mart and now your gut sloshes with 3 liters of flat soda while you cruise the local mall parking garage for a parking spot. By the time you slammed on the last speed bump, debarked the final pot hole (only there because you need to “use it”), and swerved into a semi-legal space, the lower half of your body has threatened to go on strike until you relieve yourself of chronic sodus loggius.

You precariously waddle up and down the various flights of stairs that lead to the entrance indicated by the flashing sign.  Most parking garage entrances lead to department stores.  However, YOUR entrance is near the back of the mall opposite the store with the restroom.  You might find a facility in the mall proper, but it probably is either out of order or severely overcrowded.  Your best chance is to find the nearest department store.

Step One:  

Look for the neon information blue print or refer to your unabridged notebook. (see rule #1.)  Once you are in the mall, look for the mid-class department store.  However, if the department store only has one or two floors, forget it.  Mall policy dictates that facilities may only be located in departments stores with at least three floors, preferably six.  This is so that you have to float the elevator to the restroom and conserve energy.

Note to self: bring the unabridged notebook.

Step Two:

Once you find a mid-class department store with at least three floors, you are ready to find the elevator/escalator.  Every mall has a rule that mid-class department stores locate their facilities at the back of the floor located furthest from the most obvious entrance.  Of course, if you entered the store from a third floor entrance, you will have to take the stairs, escalator, or elevator up one or two more floors. 

Note to self:  Update unabridged notebook.

Step 3:

Now that you found the correct floor, you must solve the puzzle, work the maze, and find the end of the line.  Your path will probably take you left from the elevator or escalator, and around the ties.  Now turn left again.  Follow the carpet along the shoe department.  Turn right.  Walk past the furniture and circle the refrigerators (keeping to your right) until you see the parts department.  If you wend your way thru the parts department, catalog, and layaway, you will see another flight of stairs. Walk up the flight of stairs while holding your knees together, keeping your fingers crossed, and reciting self-control mantras.  Wasn’t that a breeze?  Now look at the stream of people and walk along until you get to the end of the line. You are there.  The end of the line to the facilities!

Note to self:  Bring gas mask and extermination equipment.

Step 4:

Hold it tight until you get to the front of the line unless you have a handy trick ready from your reading and memorization of my handy rules for “getting there first” (see rules below).

Note to self: Bring extra “disposables”

Rules for finding the facilities and getting there first.