Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

[Tool. The Patient]
a groan of tedium escapes me
startling the fearful
is this a test? it has to be
otherwise i can't go on
draining patience
drain vitality
this paranoid, paralysed vampire acts a little old

but i'm still right here
giving blood, keeping faith
and i'm still right here

wait it out
be patient
wait it out
be patient

if there were no reward to reap
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path i've chosen here
i certainly would have walked away
by now

going to wait it out

if there were no desire to heal
the damaged and broken met along
this tedious path i've chosen here
i certainly would have walked away
by now

and i still may
and i still may

be patient
be patient
be patient

i must keep reminding myself of this
i must keep reminding myself of this
i must keep reminding myself of this

if there no reward to reap
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path i've chosen here
i certainly would have walked away by now
and i still may
and i still may

going to wait it out
going to wait it out
wait it out
going to wait it out

[Tool. Parabol/Parabola]
so familiar
and overwhelmingly warm
this
one
this form i hold now

embracing you, this reality here
this
one
this
form i hold now

so wide eyed and hopeful
wide eyed and hopefully
wild, we barely remember
what came before this precious moment
choosing to be here
right now
hold on, stay inside
this body
holding me and
reminding me that i am not alone in
this
body
makes me feel
eternal, all this pain is an illusion

///

we barely remember
who or what came before
this precious moment
choosing to be here
right now
hold on
stay inside
this
holy reality
this holy experience
choosing to be here in

this body
this body holding me
be my reminder here that
i am not alone in
this body
this body holding me
feeling eternal
all this pain is an illusion

in this holy reality
in this holy experience
choosing to be here in

this body
this body holding me
be my reminder here that i am not alone in
this body
this body holding me
feeling eternal
all this pain is an illusion

twirling 'round with this familiar parable
spinning, weaving 'round each new experience
recognise this as our holy union
celebrate this chance to be
alive and breathing
a chance to be
alive and breathing

this body holding me
reminds me of my own mortality
embrace this moment, remember
we are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

I should have clarified last night. I have problems with clarifying things, sometimes (like, always) ... I said, in essence, that I could fake it with the best of them. Really, it's the happiness. The happiness is what I fake. The smiling, joking face. Sometimes, it happens to be genuine or true. There are moments where I get embraced in the silver lining and forget the grey cloud all around. But that's neither here nor there.

I used to fake it a lot better. It was a constant charade, so far I almost believed it. Then in the 4-5 years between Ex 1 and Ex 2, I fell into what we might call a very self-destructive path. I didn't give a good goddamn about anyone or anything, especially myself. I'm still not too keen on caring about myself, but that's irrelevant. Just part of the way I'm wired. I bury my own shit and drown it and ignore it, like the elephant turd in the punchbowl. Irrelevant, I say...

The point is, between the ages of ... meh ... 22 and 25 (give or take a year on either end) I straight up didn't give a fuck. I quit... hiding, if you will. I was surly and moody and ... not angry or bitter but something unkind. I let the machine consume me. The mechanical form that I had become.

This isn't me, I'm not mechanical

I had become ... really, the only way I can explain it is "a machine" not literally, I'm not a T-800 or some shit, no. But ... I had grown cold and oblivious. I moved without feeling, I thought and acted without feeling. Oblivious to the humanity and emotions all around me. I went through the motions and faked it with the best of them, not to be found out. But there was still something jerky in the circuitry. I don't know, I'm getting all sorts of twisted around in the timeline....

I hate telling stories about my life. The timeline seems to fade and twist within itself like a Moebius Strip ... (god, I want a moebius strip to play with) ...

Anyways... I lost the ability to put on the smiling laughing joking happy face for a fair few years. Then came Ex 2, and something stirred that wasn't quite right. It was an ugly thing... Something that I am far from proud of, but that's who I was. We were together, like I said, for just shy of two years. In some ways, she began the process of my healing and in others, she drove me deeper into the ground, into hiding. By the time she was done with me in January of ... fuck. What year was that? '07, I think. Something like that. I broke. Those 2 or 3 years of self-destruction I had endured were nothing compared to what was coming. The pieces still worked, but there was no real humanity left. I was dead inside, cold and ugly. Must have been '06... because this is '10, and yeah... this way the math syncs up in my head. whatever.

No, I wasn't out like I was, banging whomever would say yes, I was locked inside, living the life of a hermit, away from all humanity, because I had no use for them. I was best left alone. On my own schedule, on my own time, with no one to report to. The only responsibility I had was school and then work... and then nothing at all for a good 5 months until I started watching the boys. It was a damn boring life, but ti wasn't. Not to me. I read, I wrote, I climbed inside my head and threw down the gauntlet. I gave up on people and I sure as fuck gave up on relationships, at least to any seriousness. There were a couple ... tangles between the sheets, but nothing substantial, and I crawled deeper and deeper inside, reliant upon only myself. Much like those years between say, birth and High School.

So deep inside I couldn't see the light. I had what I had and wanted no more. Myself and my only true friend, my father. All we needed. It worked, for awhile.

Then came "the boys" in the last year. Between them and Suzie and Ron, I started to emerge... not emerge, but started to climb out of my hole. I began to learn how to fake it again. How to put on the smiling, happy, laughing, joking face. There were days it were truly true. Really real. And there were days where it was just an act. Then came the debacle of winter. A lot more time spent alone with myself in the dark. And Tori started to come 'round again. Can't tell a lie, I wouldn't have survived the winter without her. This year's was nowhere near as bad as expected, or the last 2-3 winters. And I owe her a great deal for that, but that's not what I'm here today to talk about...

Not that I had a set script or anything, but whatever. I keep getting distracted and/or sidetracked and I have totally lost the plot. Christ, I'm going through a midlife crisis. I lost the plot.

-shrugs- That happens...

Desensitized.

Maybe that's the heart of it all. I had grown numb and desensitized to it all. To everything and everyone. Oh me and desensitization are good friends, this much I do know. Many parts of my body have grown desensitized over the years, but I do not wish to go here. But maybe the mind, maybe the mind has grown the most desensitized of all.

-sigh- This requires thought and quiet contemplation...

[Tool. Stinkfist]
something has to change
undeniable dilemma
boredom's not a burden
anyone should bear
constant overstimulation
numbs me, but i would not want you any other way

because
it's not enough
i need more
nothing seems to satisfy
i said
i don't want
i just need it
to breathe, to feel
to know i'm alive

finger deep within the borderline
show me that you love me and that we belong together
relax, turn around and take my hand

i can help you change
tired moments into pleasure
say the world and we'll be well upon our way
blend and balance
pain and comfort deep within you
until you will not want me any other way

but it's not enough
i need more
nothing seems to satisfy
i said, i don't want it
i just need it
to breathe, to feel
to know i'm alive

knuckle deep inside the borderline
this may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to
relax, slip away

something kind of sad about
the way that things have come to be
desensitized to everything
what became of subtlety?
how can this mean anything to me,
if i really don't feel anything at all?

i'll
keep
digging
'til i
feel
something

elbow deep inside the borderline
show me that you love me and that we belong together
shoulder deep within the borderline
relax, turn around and take my hand