EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and
slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car; a brown, furry missile shot out
from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it
encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no
time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals
and I really hate it on a motorcycle but a squirrel should pose no danger.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.
Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his
beady little eyes. His mouth opened and at the last possible second, he
screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!"
or maybe, "Die you gravy- sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular! He shot straight up, flew over
my windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he
brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing
and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed
only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves and jeans this was a bit of a
cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And
losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the
left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the
throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have.
The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and
gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have
been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an
ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and with
the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an
amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather
antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my
left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled,
to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having
one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley can only have one
result.
TORQUE!
This is what the Harley is made for and she is very, very good at it. The
engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed
in anger. The Harley screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well, I just
plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and
roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential
street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man
and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant
squirrel to his own devices but I really did not want to crash into
somebody's tree, house or parked car.
Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was
just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had
little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI
attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my
full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite
sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel,
however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with
shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now,
the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand.... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled
him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This
time it worked .. sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of... so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential
street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a
large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn
T-shirt flapping in the breeze and wearing only one leather glove, moving
at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and
with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your
police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle
under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used
maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop
sign of a busy cross street.
I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really
would have. Really...Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the
patrol car were flung wide open.
The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into
somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car The cop who had
been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun
at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often
insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery
from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back
window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn
off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was
best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
"I can handle anything that life throws at me. I may not be able to handle
it well, or correctly or gracefully or even with finesse or expediently....
but I will handle it...."
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