Icarus's blog: "Somantics"

I'm still trying to sort this all out.

Alright
bad shit keeps happening
outside of my control

I have two solutions

rise above
or
become a chemically dependant murdering lunatic.

I'm not a bad person.

I've never even had a parking ticket.

I'm just a lonely, fucked up kid with big ideas, and big sky dreams.

And it just feels like
my whole life I've been worked on.

Why am I so ready to give up now?

Because this isn't how I imagined 25?

Now it just seems like every day is a taunt.

An open handed strike.

I dunno.
I'm trying to figure out how to come back from this.

The anger.
The job.
The pills.
The scars.
The injustice.

I honestly feel like no matter what I do
I'm going to get hurt.
And 99/100 times it won't be my fault.

That's a real good place to be when you're looking for work, a woman, and a happy place.

Right now my happy place involves blunt force trauma
and red spray.

Dad says get the anger out.
Mom says get back in the mental health system.

But where's the closure?
Why am I picking up the bill?
Why is ANYONE picking up the bill?

This shit shouldn't happen at all.

And the more ventures I take outside, the more I've noticed how jittery and suspicious I've become.
If I was an agoro/sociophobe+ before
I'm now a +++ with a heaping side of misanthropy.

How long is this going to hurt?
And how long am I going to be pissed?

Bounce right back and smile was never my style.
I don't even think I have that capacity.
But this is no damn good.
Being this low is making me bleed.