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What are you waiting for?
you would think i would learn eventually. you would think that somewhere something would have to give and i would be once again centered. but you're wrong
i never learn. i do the same shit all the time and then am completely perplexed when i don't get different results. that, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of insanity.
things have been particularily bad lately in my head. nothing seems to make sense anymore and i can't even communicate with my fiance, Kenny properly. i can't tell him what's wrong no matter how much he begs for answers because i, myself, don't know what my problem is. it's all very frustrating. i'm sure it's just as mind numbingly irritating to him as it is to me. and the kicker is i have no idea how to fix it because i don't know what "it" is.. impossible.
right now i'm just wishing i could get high. unfortunately, i don't have any money until my check comes on the 1st. which, realistically, means i won't be able to get high again until the 2nd when my mom comes. damn..
i can't really even function soberly anymore. everything just piles up to the point where i can't breathe. i don't know about the average person (since i'm not what you would call "average") but i tend to enjoy breathing. being high is simply the only way i can do this effectively.. well almost the only way.
the other way is definitely a darker, wicked, alternative. one that is not very widely accepted by 90% of the people in my life. thank god for long sleeves and pants.. they have no idea that i pick the scabs or that my upper right thigh is covered in Hello Kitty band-aids to prevent seepage. they don't know that the sharpness of the blade digging into my flesh is exactly what rounds out my days. they don't know.. and they never will.
it's a very dark place, my mind. and lights are consistantly burning out. how long until i can't see the hand in front of my face?
the intoxication makes it bareable. batteries for the flashlight i found under the bed. but batteries can only hold out for so long.. what will it take for me to clear the rubble, repair the structure, and move on with my life? how long can i possibly hold onto the everlasting misery of every day of my life prior to this one?
which brings me to why i started this brodcasted dump of thought. i need to sort it all out. the only question is: am i up to the challenge?
