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What are you waiting for?
you ever want something so much it hurts when you think about it, but the same thing you want, you think you dont deserve and tell yourself you dont want it and terrifies you?
the past 48 hrs have been really hard for me i've been put in situations that make me happy and very uncomfortable and sad at the same time andrealized something potentially bad...
i want to get married...i want to have kids... i want to have a real family with a husband who loves me and i love him and be pregnant with that love and have a baby and a complete "family"
but the thought of that terrifies me that it cant happen or wont last or i will lose my love and child and have my heart and life ripped from me again and that i dont even deserve that kind of love because of the things ive done in my past and i'm freaking out because i want it soooo bad but think i will never have it even if for no other reason then my fears messing it up and chance that there is no one able to stick with me thru my fears and self tortute and no one should have to.....
i hate this...
