Over 16,533,291 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
Why is it that I do this to myself all the time. I screw up anything that is good in my life everytime it comes along. I have to sabatus everything good in my life.
I had an amazing thing with a man that I fell in love with quicker than I have anyone in my life and then what did I do? I went and had to let my insecurities get into the way and I pushed him away! I let my fear and trust issues get in the way again. He never got to see who I truely was and never got to see that I had so much love for him but that doesn't matter anymore because he is gone now.
My life has always been me ruining it for myself. I find someone then I stay distant from them some how and never truely let them in even though I want to. I can't seem to let anyone in all the way and I don't know what is wrong with me. I put all kinds of provocitive pictures up and get all kinds of attention that I don't want because even though people say it all i see is being pretty or cute. I put those up because at least then I can hide behind the fact that I have no faith or confidence in myself.
All my life I have heard that I'm fat, I'm ugly, stupid, unloveable, and even that I was only made to make babies and serve men. I know that there is a say that says, "You only allow yourself to have the love that you feel that you deserve" and if that is true then I guess that explans it all. I still to this day get told that I am fat that I'm worthless, lazy, a bad mother, and that I'm never going to do anything with my life. I'm just tired of putting on that fack smile for everyone and I'm tired of pretenting that I'm not dieing inside. I want to be truely happy. To be able to sleep at night and to have a smile that reaches all the way to my eyes. I want to be that girl that people see and say wow she's so happy I wish I could be that happy.
Sometimes I wander if that's all I should do is find a man that will do like every other man has done and use me, cheat on me, lie, rape, and beat me. Then at least I would be living a true lifestyle I keep getting told that I deserve. Maybe just typing, crying, and drinking don't mix. Sorry to anyone that reads this and either gets upset or feels sorry for me. No need to feel sorry it's my life and I do it to myself.
