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THIS IS ONE CRAZY COUNTRY IN WHICH WE LIVE. I HAVE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME AND SEEN AND HEARD MANY STRANGE THINGS, BUT THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE STRANGEST. I WILL BEGIN BY TRANSCRIBING AN ACTUAL ARTICLE FROM THE LA TIMES, THEN WOULD LIKE TO OFFER SOME OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THE ARTICLE. FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS, THIS IS ONE WILD RIDE.
"IN RETROSPECT, LIGHTING THE MATCH WAS MY BIG MISTAKE. BUT I WAS ONLY TRYING TO RETRIEVE THE GERBIL," ERIC TOMASZEWSKI TOLD BEMUSED DOCTORS IN THE SEVERE BURNS UNIT OF SALT LAKE CITY HOSPITAL. TOMASZEWSKI, AND HIS HOMOSEXUAL PARTNER, ANDREW "KIKI" FARNUM, HAD BEEN ADMITTED FOR EMERGENCY TREATMENT AFTER A "FELCHING" SESSION HAD GONE SERIOUSLY WRONG. "I PUSHED THE CARDBOARD TUBE UP HIS RECTUM AND SLIPPED RAGGOT, OUR GERBIL IN," HE EXPLAINED. "AFTER A FEW MINUTES, KIKI SHOUTED 'ARMAGEDDON', MY CUE THAT HE'D HAD ENOUGH. "I TRIED TO RETRIEVE RAGGOT BUT HE WOULDN'T COME OUT AGAIN, SO I PEERED INTO THE TUBE AND STRUCK A MATCH, THINKING THE LIGHT MIGHT ATTRACT HIM." AT A HUSHED PRESS CONFERENCE, A HOSPITAL SPOKESMAN DESCRIBED WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
"THE MATCH IGNITED A POCKET OF INTESTINAL GAS AND FLAME SHOT OUT OF THE TUBING, IGNITING MR. TOMASZEWSKI'S HAIR AND SEVERELY BURNING HIS FACE. "IT ALSO SET FIRE TO THE GERBIL'S FUR AND WHISKERS WHICH, IN TURN, IGNITED A LARGER POCKET OF GAS FURTHER UP THE INTESTINE, PROPELLING THE RODENT OUT LIKE A CANNONBALL." “MR. TOMASZEWSKI SUFFERED SECOND DEGREE BURNS AND A BROKEN NOSE FROM THE IMPACT OF THE GERBIL, WHILE FARNUM SUFFERED FIRST AND SECOND DEGREE BURNS TO HIS ANUS AND LOWER INTESTINAL TRACT."
NOW, SOME OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THIS UNFORTUNATE EPISODE IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS.
"I PUSHED A CARDBOARD TUBE UP HIS RECTUM?" OUCH !!!!!!
"SO I PEERED INTO THE TUBE?" EXCUSE ME !!! I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S LIKE LOOKING THROUGH A TELESCOPE INTO HELL.. I'D RATHER USE BINOCULARS TO STARE AT THE SUN.
THAT POOR GERBIL (WHO OBVIOUSLY SUFFERS FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM) BEING SHOT OUT OF THE GUY'S ANUS LIKE ROCKY THE FLYING SQUIRREL ON ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE.
SUFFERING A BROKEN NOSE FROM A GERBIL BEING LAUNCHED OUT OF SOMEONE'S ANUS? I'M JUST GUESSING HERE, BUT I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THE SAID GERBIL WAS SPRINGTIME FRESH AFTER HIS LITTLE JOURNEY INTO KIKI'S "TUNNEL OF LOVE."
PEOPLE ARE WALKING AROUND WITH THESE VOLCANO - LIKE POCKETS OF GAS IN THEIR RECTUMS?
THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO DO THIS KIND OF THING AND THEN ADMIT WHAT THEY WERE DOING WHEN TAKEN TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM? CALL ME OLD FASHIONED, BUT I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE LOOKING AT A DOCTOR AND SAYING "WELL DOC, ITS LIKE THIS, WE HAD THIS GERBIL AND THIS CARDBOARD TUBE .................
FIRST AND SECOND DEGREE BURNS TO THE ANUS? MAKES HEMORRHOIDS SOUND PLEASANT, NOW DON'T IT? AND THE SMELL OF BURNING ANUS MUST BE IN THE TOP 5 MOST HORRIBLE SCENTS ON EARTH.
SOMEONE CHOSE THE NICKNAME "KIKI", WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A POLYNESIAN WORD FOR "IDIOTIC WHITE MAN WHO INSERTS RODENT UP HIS BUTT."
WHAT KIND OF HOSPITAL WOULD HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE ON THIS?
