Loving myself's blog: "How I feel"

I walked into the neurologist office and waited in a room. The doctor walked in a shook my hand and introduced himself clarifying who I was. He asked me a bunch of questions regarding how I was feeling and my pain level. I sat there in my mind thinking get rid of this headache! He did tests on my neuro function and tested my balance. Then I sat down and he proceeded to shut the lights off and look in my eyes. He looked at my left eye for what seemed like forever. The pain was so intense I wanted to pass out and nausea was over whelming for me. He looked at the other eye quickly and said "I will be right back".

  A few minutes latter, him and another doctor came back in. They asked me to move into another room where it was darker and they could see my eyes better. The other doctor looked into my eyes again. He flipped the light on and I was seeing black spots to the point I could not see for a few. He announced I needed a spinal tap to relive the pressure in my head, I needed to see a Ophthalmologist and schedule the tap immediately. I felt tears run down my face. As a nurse I knew it was serious enough they needed to relieve pressure. Right now I am scared out of my mind. The one person I need so badly doesn't seem to give a damn. The one person I need to be with me right now doesn't care. Fake hugs don't cut it at the moment. I need real tender loving care. I am facing a potential life threatening problem. They asked if I have had any lose of vision? I was like WHAT! But, I sit here in my mind praying for guidance and mercy. Trying to believe that I will be okay. I am angry, scared and feel as though I am going to pass out at times. The headache I feel so intense I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Sleep is my only solace at the moment. WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU!