http://www.cherrytap.com/blog/66921/284802
Alright this ^ is the blog that I am basing al of my thoughts on right now in this one, so if you have not read this one you may want to glance at it.
I’m at this spot in my life right now, I tried to move on as I said. I’ve let go of people, I’ve let go of things, I’ve let go of pain, I’ve let go of sorrow, I’ve tried to let it all go . . . Didn’t work. I am still here, I am still stuck. I still have the nonstop thoughts about how I need to do something better, how I need to get things accomplished, how I need to be better. The thoughts aren’t going away, they never will but I am ready to let them go too. I’m ready to be happy, I want to be happy, why don’t I deserve to be happy?
I was talking to someone a short while ago that I have just recently met. There is something in him that I like, not sure if it is the fact that he is just as troubled as I am or what it is, but the attraction is there. I talked to him for a few hours. I’m not sure what happened at the end of the conversation but hopefully I will get to talk to him again soon to figure it out. We were talking about how it’s not easy to believe things that others tell you and that only you can change the way that you see or think about things. Which then reminded me of this blog I wrote back in April.
Anyway, I had ran across quite a few people at that time that I was having fun talking to. There was never a thought really of anything more than talking with these people, they were exciting to talk to and nothing more really. These people had helped me realize different aspects of m that I had not ever noticed before or more correctly never had the desire to notice before. I was enjoying these new found parts of me . . . . Now I am back to where I started. I am back to the dark thoughts and depression that I know so well, back to the wanting to sleep all day and not talk to anyone, back to life as I have always known. I don’t like it, I’ve tried to change it and just keep ending up here again and again.
My thoughts are so jumbled up right now I can’t even write coherently but need to get everything out. I kept making this guy I was talking to angry with things I would say and I am not sure why or even what I was doing wrong. I was being myself, it’s all I know how to be, and he was getting angry. I am not taking it personally I just wish he would have explained to me why he was getting that way. My intentions were not to anger him in the least, I enjoy him . . . I enjoy the connection I feel with him . . . Of course that may have changed on his end by now. But one thing does stick out in my mind that we were talking about . . . My profile here on Cherry Tap.
He said that I must like all the sexual attention and I told him that with the people I actually talk to and get to know it isn’t about anything sexual for the most part. This is when I told him he need not believe me and he agreed that he didn’t because there is so much sexual based stuff on my profile. So I tried to explain to him that yes it’s part of my attitude . . . I’m a sexually driven person but that I like to meet people. My profile allows me to meet and chat with many many different types of people that I would not ever normally meet. However it is also like a weeding out process because if the person talks to me about something other than sex then I want to get to know them, if not then I simply don’t care to know them. I want to meet people, but I want to meet real people . . . People who have nothing to hide from me . . . People who can be honest about who they are . . . People who are not just looking to get off real quick and run. Ya know I can find the type of person who will lie, hide, and be that disrespectful by walking out my door . . . I want more than that. I want to meet genuine people for the most part. Oh god before you all start in on the “this s the internet bullshit” that I know is going to come along, remember that these are nothing but ideas I know that everyone is fake to an extent online - just see the bigger picture for a minute would ya?
So, here I was trying to convince a guy I do not know really that I am not some sex crazed maniac that is only on here to talk sex to everyone. Why did I care what this guy thought? I have no idea. Why did I take the time to try to explain myself to him when I would have told most people to fuck off? I have no idea. Why am I still worried about him when I know damn good and well that I have no right or reason to be worried at all? I have no idea. He is one of those people that I wrote about so long ago that come into your life and affect you and you have no idea why, how, or how to change it . . . .wonderful huh?! How do I find myself in these situations? No, I don’t really want an answer!
I even went as far as trying to explain the nature of being bisexual to him. Oh my god I make no excuses for what I do but here I was explaining to him what it was that I was doing and looking for. What the hell? I was explaining that I prefer sex with men but I like the emotional attachment you get with another woman and that if I could find an emotional attachment with a man that I would be in some heaven like place. He was telling me how he has been with bisexual girls in the past and that they were always talking about women or other men or what-have-you . . . I swear this is not a bisexual thing though as I told him, it’s an idiot thing. It’s very disrespectful to talk about someone else in any sort of sexual or relationship manner when you are with someone. Is that not just common decency if nothing else? I admit that I talk about my friends who are both male and female . . . But when I am in a relationship with someone I want nothing more than to be with that person, and if that feeling is not there then I have no business being with that person in a committed relationship . . .
Ok ok, I need to stop, I need to go try to gather my thoughts. I need to stop this train from crashing me for the rest of the day . . . Ok actually I need to get away from the computer and the phone so I do not call this guy and make things worse.
