ok so i think i have pretty much ran the gammet here with my share of fuck overs, ive gtten it hard in the ass and couldnt even enjoy it. it seems if you put yourself out there for just having fun that the guys crawl out of the woodwork. where were these guys before i got married? i probably wouldnt be in this situation. i really love the fact that its getting almost socially exceptable to be a "bbw" in todays society. when i was growing up i went through the whole bully and teasing thing. i can remember the comments that were made like when i would walk by someone and i would hear the laughing and gigling, or the oink oink noise, or my personal favorite would be "brace yourself people its not an earthquake its just elaina walking around. i can still remember the face of the bully i most feared in school. i had to ride the bus with this girl everyday of my middle school career. i was terrified to get on the bus for the fact of hearing her say when we get off the bus im so gonna kick your ass today. i can remember the way her hair was, the short skirts she wore with the zippers up the side and the way she flipped her hair when she was talking about someone or hitting on the next victim while i cowered in the back of the bus with my friend. when she was asked why she was always mean to me her answer was simple, "shes fat". everyday i would come down with a new illness just so i wouldnt have to ride the bus. the next year would be so much better, she would be in high school and i would be able to be the person i wanted to be, chatting with my friends laughing, enjoying my last year in middle school, to my surprise she was on that bus the first day of school. she was held back, another year of misery. the sad thing of it is it still happens today. walking through the mall ill see teenagers looking at me and laughing, ill hear the soft voices of small kids asking their mommies why is that woman so fat, and the mommy willlook at youll hear he tell the child that was inappropriate, while i know well after i passed by she was thinking the same thing she just reprimanded her own child for saying. i grew up thinking that if i ever had a boyfriend that i would be or do whatever he wanted just so i could keep him around. so to my surprise when i met my soon to be ex husband i was smitten. he was an absolute dream to me. he actually wanted to take me to a resturant to talk. we automatically hit it off. i thought to myself maybe he just hasnt had too many girlfriends. was i a catch, do other men look at me the same way he did? i totally closed my mind off to the whole thing. he was gona be mine i would make him mine. so i had the same interests he had, i liked the same movies, even though i didnt, but everything he was i tried to be. my self worth was rising above drowning level or so i thought. we did really end up falling in love and i adored him. everyday was another day to try and have children with this man who i thought was my split apart. we were together for 2 years before we got married and it would be another 5 years until i recieved the blessed news i was pregnant. my pregnancy was great no morning sickness, no depression and my sex drive was out of this world. grant it the first time i had sex was more than a little upsetting, was that it? was that all there was to sex, i didnt understand all my friends when they said it was a magical time. the next couple of guys i was with it did get better and i realized how much i enjoyed it. the whole intamacy thing of rubbing against a mans bear chest. to feel his arms around my legs, it was outrageous, or so i thouht. i think i was 28 years old before i had my 1st mind blowing act of sex. i actually knew that there was a way i could please and be pleased at the same time. from that time on i could have sex everyday allday and anyway. but after our 1st child was born, sex became a thing of the past and it was not because of me. our 2nd child was a bigger surprise. i was told after our first that i shouldnt have more because of my back problems, but we accepted it and again i loved every moment of being pregnant even though this time i did have the morning sickness. i would have gladly had a whole football team if it werent for the tubal ligation because of my back. after our 2nd things started to really go downhill. my husband was distant and not to mention drinking a lot. every nigt he would stop and get his beer come home sit on the computer and stay there all night. the next morning if we woke him up before he woke up we suffered the wrath of a hangover. i begged for him to please get help. i was doing all the parents choice, both parts and it sucked...
