Rasko69's blog: "stuff"

As I think of all
The years gone by
Of the dreams that time did bend
I can’t help but wonder
Where and when
This trail will come to end

Will I be forced
To stand alone
As I try to face the day
Or will I find love
And a gentle touch
To help me find the way

There was a time
Of hopeful dreams
And joy came with each day
And though it was
But years ago
It seems a lifetime away

I do not know
Where that young man went
His eyes did shine so bright
But I miss him
Just as I miss her
Each and every night

In the days of youth
The world was but
An oyster in its shell
With each failed attempt
To open it…
I found another kind of Hell

I found the Hell
Of knowing that
All I held so dear
I couldn’t have
Despite my dreams
But, God, it felt so near

It felt so close
I was so sure
I could touch it any day
But now it feels
Within my heart
So very far away

What I wanted most
Was just someone
Special to call my own
And I’d hold her close
Through every night
And we’d have a happy home

I had not dreams
Of grand design
Nor of mansions in the air
Just an honest love
To withstand time
But I find there’s no one there

Every night I lie
In my bed alone
And I rise each day the same
I have no one
To share my life
No one to share my name

I walk the days
With a painted smile
And I feign a happy heart
And when someone says
“Friend, how are you?”
I gladly play the part

But deep inside
Im so alone
And though surrounded by my friends
I have an empty
Void inside
And the bottom never ends

My friends are great
I love them all
And I know that they mean well
But when they say
“Friend, how are you?”
They don’t want me to tell

For as long as I
Say all is fine
Then they don’t have to deal
With the emptiness
With the loneliness
That every night I have to feel

So I spare them
For if I say
How I really feel
I know they’ll say
“Oh, it’s all right,
It’s really no big deal”

But they go home
To where they live
To where they have a spouse
And I go home
To sleep alone again
In this empty little house

You see for me
It’s a “big deal”
I face it every day
Every night I face
The empty void
Of wanting love to stay

I can’t run away
And hide from it
Although I’d like to try
For every night
When I look at it
A piece of my soul dies

And I don’t know
How many nights
I can take and still be me
Im afraid one day
The man I am
Will be a part of history

He’ll be replace
By someone else
Someone who shows emptiness
The once gentle eyes
Will be replaced
By ones of bitterness

The lonely nights
They do strange things
To a man once brave and bold
They take the laughter,
The warmth of heart
Then turn it to something cold

I don’t want to be
That man I see
Standing down that lonely path
But he comes closer
Every night
And that tears my heart in half

For there’s so much love
Inside of me
I have so much to give
But shattered dreams
And broken hearts
Have took my will to live

Yet I live on
Despite the pain
Though no one can understand
I fake a smile
While deep inside
Im a hurt and broken man

Now I find you
And you give me hope
Even though Im afraid to share
You let me stay
Or you let me go
And you’ve got the nerve to care

You see my Love
I’ve been so hurt
That Im afraid to let it go
And only when
We’re both alone
Can I let my feelings show

It scares me so
To even think
Of letting you inside
‘Cause I’ve done it before
And when she left
The man I was then died

I don’t see why
You hang on to me
Do you see a diamond in the rough?
Or will you come
To me one day
And say you’ve had enough

Then will you leave
And take with you
My heart, my very soul
Knowing all along
I must face it
Every night as I grow old

Oh, why does love
Come to an end
Why does it always go away?
Why can’t I have
That Special One
To hold precious every day

But for now I’ll stay
Just where I am
And keep distance from you
It’s not because
I do not care
I just know not what else to do

But I want you to know
That every night
As I lay down to sleep
I pray to God
To stop the pain
And give me someone to keep

Are you her?
I do not know
And Im afraid to say
But every night
I face the void
Then struggle through the day

So when you see me
Once again
Tell me in your special way
That it’s all right
For me to feel the pain
But that I’ll be OK

Then give to me
That loving kiss
Let me feel that special touch
Then look at me
For what I am
With those eyes I love so much

Let me know
That Im allowed
To grieve for something dead
To feel the pain
Then to let it go
And get it out of my head

Don’t be like the rest
Please look with me
Stand beside and hold my hand
For I can’t face it
All alone
Not in this empty land

‘Cause it’s not all right
Part of me died
But it would help more than you know
To have someone
Who’ll stand beside
And to know she will not go

For I can never love
With all my heart
I can never let it be
‘Till Im allowed
To feel the pain
Then put it behind me

‘Til I can say
“It’s no big deal”
I can not allow myself
To love again
I must put my dream
To gather dust upon a shelf

I do not know
How long that will take
I dare not to even guess
For every night
When I face that void
It makes my soul a mess

You see every night
When I look down
Into that empty space
I see the remains
Of what life was
And tears come to my face

Then I cry so hard
From so deep inside
Though no one else can hear
When I see the love
That could have been
And I shed a silent tear

But perhaps one day
When I trust again
And can believe it to be right
I’ll put aside the pain
And be allowed to feel
Your loving arms…Every Night