Ninja's blog: "Ask the Ninja"

Ninja,
I am a disabled mother of a wonderful 6 yr old little boy. I have fought hard to care for my son all on my own for the last year & 1/2 with no help from his father. We were in a 10 yr relationship and a year after our son was born we found out I had cancer. Then it spiraled into a number of other illnesses I have had to deal with. I lost my father & we (all 3 of us) moved in to care for my mother. My son's father left 5 months later because he said he couldn't handle my sickness any longer. 4 months later my mother was gone due to kidney failure. My son & I were alone, we lost everything and were forced to move in with a LONG time friend I consider my brother. Here comes my delima... My mother drilled it in my head that forgiveness is the ONLY way to find true peace in my life. Now my son's father has hit rock bottom. He became a meth addict and lost everything he had and all of a sudden he is "sorry" for everything he did to me and his son. I want to forgive him but I have a gut feeling that he is only "sorry" because he knows I won my settlement and I will be coming into a large sum of money in the next month. He abandon us. He never showed for our son's birthday or Christmas or any holidays. He hasn't helped with a dime for our son in over a year... There is a fine line between forgiveness and being nieve I believe... I want what is best for my son. Please help me figure that line out, it keeps me up crying at night and I am so tired of crying.

Lost Mother Trying To Do The Right Thing

Dear Lost,

Addicts are sneaky and they smell money from a mile away. He's not really sorry, he's fiending, and he sees you as an easy mark to be able to leech from again. Do you really want to be THAT girl that thinks she can save him? You have enough on your plate as it is.

If he is truly sorry, you can set guidelines through the court for supervised visitation and child support, as well as rehab. If he is serious about recovery, he will want to do the right thing and agree to the terms. If he's just looking for another payday, he will fight you about it.

When dealing with addicts, you really have to keep yourself at a distance, no matter how close they are to you. There is no way to recover if they are not willing to admit to the problems that they have. And if they are still blaming others for their behavior, they are still looking for ways and reasons to use.

Also, abusive relationships are not necessarily physical. Emotional and financial abuse happens as well. You would be subjecting your son to things that he doesn't need in his life if you don't trust your gut. You may also want to set up a trust for your child. That way, if your illness gets worse your child will not by default automatically go back to him. These things have to happen through the court system, though.

Think of your child above all, and know that there is a reason he is no longer in your life. Addicts only have negative impacts on children, and he has enough grief in his life now. No need to compound it for a selfish wish that the jackass you made him with had himself a come to Jesus and wants to come back. He lost the right when he abandoned him for the meth pipes.

Good Luck