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Today's Joke:
When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
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When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
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A priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on...
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
