Ugh, it's almost 3am.
So tonight I went out to the bar again. I saw a few people I knew from school. They were all telling me how they just had their second and third children, how they're married, and etc. and all this great shit about their lives. Ofcourse I had to play it off like I was okay and it didn't bother me. But you know what? It fucking did. Everybody has these great things happening to them and I have nothing. Nothing at all to show for and I'm almost 23. No boyfriend, no husband, no child, only 2 best friends anymore (and they're female believe it or not!). It really makes me feel bad. All I've ever wanted was something somewhat to a "norm" of how the average person would have a life and family, even though I know my ways and beliefs are far from average. And I'll tell you I saw it ALL tonight I really did...bar drama, lesbians all over eachother, even married people cheating on their spouses and etc. I wonder if they even realize that life is just a stupid test until death. You either pass or fail. I guess I failed big time. I have nobody. And what's worse is I've truly never felt this alone until tonight when I realized how shit is happening with everyone around me, except everyone and everything is just passing me by. I never would have thought of a life and future like this until 2 years ago when I realized the only person I wanted to be with was right infront of me the whole time, and then again when I was diagnosed with the beginning pre-cancerous stage of Cerivcal Cancer in November. I won't ever feel whole again. The only man that I wanted in this sort of way is the only one that can undepress me, and I do hope he forever remembers how much he's emotionally raped me and fucked me up in the head and deprived me of the only thing I ever wanted from him...love.
*grabs box of tissues and goes to curl up on the couch and watch Purple Rain and sob* :(
