Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy
who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects
of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing
and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner,
my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better
of it. She i s such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-
a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION@ !@$$!%!@* !!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let
go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... .. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.