WarBeast DNO RLBF to Satanica's blog: "Blog of the Beast"

                                                                                                                                                                                 By WarBeast

The Gator-men of Gutwagon Swamp

"Absolutely dreary, stinky and awful" Rabbit muttered under her breath as she gazed out at the repugnant terrain before her.

From her perch on WarBeast's mighty shoulder, Rabbit could see nothing around her but the bleakest, smoggiest, filthiest, slimiest, scum-choked swamp she'd ever seen. The air was hot, damp, cloying and beyond malodorous. The omnipresent noxious miasma smelled to Rabbit like the over-ripe corpse of an ogre that had been eaten by boars and later shit out into a hot steaming barrel of putrescent offal.

Every squelching step WarBeast took only served to send up a fresh plume of nauseating stench to assail her sensitive nose. Were she not possessing of such an iron will, Rabbit was certain that she would have spent the entire time in this disgusting place, retching and vomiting uncontrollably down her dear Beasty's back.

On most days, their shared policy of just leaving their journey up to the whims of the fates, going wherever their feet took them, worked astonishingly well for Rabbit and WarBeast. While some would consider this to be simply aimless wandering, the two warriors enjoyed the mystery of what each new day held for them.

A vast majority of the time, the fates led them to adventure, wonders, treasures and the delightful joys of brutal blood-soaked battle, but on very rare occasions, the cruel humor of those same fates would lead the them straight into some truly awful locations; nauseating places like this; the appropriately named Gutwagon Swamp.

“I feel confident this place is where horrendous odors come to die, so they can putrefy and become even more foul, Dear Rabbit.” said WarBeast, his face grim with absolute disgust as he continued to stubbornly trudge onward like a relentless juggernaut. “One thing is for certain, every single one of the peasants and inn-dwelling drunkards that assured us that there is a grand treasure at the center of this swamp had better pray to whatever gods will listen that we do indeed find a treasure that is vastly bountiful and worth every lungful of this toxic stench I have inhaled, or I swear I will track them down and add the stink of their rotten corpses to this damnable place.”

It's truly a testament to how thoroughly atrocious this stinky nasty awful swamp really is that it's making Mr. WarBeast so very grumpy, Rabbit thought to herself following WarBeast's abnormally lengthy and hostile outburst. She didn't like it at all. Not because she feared his anger, because she didn't fear any part of him, not even his rage. No, she didn't like it because she knew her poor Beasty hated when a bad mood would tenaciously latch hold of him. Bad moods made him so very miserable and she hated seeing him so unhappy.

WarBeast's own thoughts were in agreement with hers. This blighted cesspit had really soured his mood to a bitter degree he had not felt since before he met his Dear Rabbit. He didn't like feeling this way at all, preferring the joyful bloodthirsty glee that his adventures with Rabbit normally inspired in him. Enduring the constant assault on his nostrils in what might be the outhouse of the foulest of gods, where every step forward is laborious and slow, felt much too synonymous with the drudgery that was his world before she came into his life, which just made his mood far worse.

In a valiant attempt to lift his spirits, WarBeast tried concentrating on filling his mind with thoughts of the most wonderful thing in the whole of the universe, his beloved Rabbit. Picturing her clearly in his mind's eye, admiring ever beautiful detail of her appearance, replaying fond memories of her laughter, her warmth when they snuggled by a fire, and how her nose twitches so adorably when she's excited, the way her eyes sparkle when she's disembowelling some base braggart that made the mistake of offending her, and a myriad of other little ways Rabbit fills his days with immeasurable joy.
For a while it worked and he felt a bit more like himself, but Gutwagon Swamp was absolutely relentless in it's abhorrence, constantly offering up new ways to offend his senses and darken his thoughts. Not the least of which was how it was making his poor Rabbit feel. Every time he heard her fight back the urge to gag or when a desperate moan of disgust would manage to escape her, it made him hate this swamp with an unrivaled blistering passion. This hatred turned his thoughts back to the words of the locals that sold him and his Dear Rabbit on undertaking this atrocious endeavor.

“A treasure worth a king's ransom there be!”

“Gems and Gold and Enchanted Weapons, all for the taking!”

“A treasure so plentiful, you would sink into the ground carrying even a fraction of it's weight!”

“But not just anyone can walk up and grab it. Oh no no..”

“Tis in a cursed place that few dare to even look at”

“Only someone with unbreakable resolve and limitless endurance would dare try at reaching it!”

“I tell ye, I don't think ANYONE has what it takes to get to that treasure.”

“No attempt I've seen in all my years has been successful. The place will break you.”

Statements such as these were something he and Rabbit heard all of the time during their travels and usually they considered them to be sort of like road-signs from the fates, telling them where their next adventure would be. Most of the time, they found the reality to be far less impressive than the descriptions given by drunken tavern-dwellers. Sometimes the quests were quite challenging and other times, not so much, but all had one thing in common, Rabbit and WarBeast always returned triumphant.

With that thought, WarBeast was filled with renewed determination. Clenching his fists and willing his legs to move faster, he lifted his head and spoke with a booming voice of pure will.. to Rabbit.. to the gods.. to the swamp itself.. “The fierce Rabbit and the mighty WarBeast have NEVER failed to see a quest through to its end and emerge triumphant.. This damnable swamp WILL NOT be our first failure. We WILL see it through to the end. That treasure, whatever it may be, will be OURS!”

So resolute was his tone, Rabbit knew not even she would be successful in talking him out of continuing. Not that she would ever try, for she was was just as determined to see this through as her steadfast companion. In a show of solidarity, Rabbit added her own words of resolve, her voice just as loud as WarBeast's “Do your worst, it won't be enough! No matter what you throw in our path, it will never stop us! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU STINKY GODDAMN SWAMP! BRING IT ON!”

Of course Rabbit was wise enough to know, when a challenge like that is made, it is often answered, especially in a place that seemed so thoroughly determined to infuriate, denigrate and nauseate those who attempt to traverse it. So when Rabbit first saw what looked like large broad lumpy logs moving purposefully through the fetid swamp-water in the their direction, she knew this godforsaken swamp had heard her challenge and accepted it. Carefully counting all of these strange floating objects she could see, she knew this was going to be a problem.

Her most adored companion was so focused on covering distance as quickly as possible that Rabbit knew he was not aware of the new threat moving steadily towards them. Not wishing to distract him but knowing he needed to be aware of this change in the situation, Rabbit gently tugged the curved horn on the side of his helmet and spoke with a note of urgency, “Mr. WarBeast, I didn't want to disturb you, as I know you are working awful hard, but I thought I'd better let you know there's a bunch of giant turd-looking things swimming towards us.”

WarBeast slowed to a stop and raised his face to expand his view from just his immediate path. As his his gaze moved over the blighted waterlogged terrain of the swamp, he quickly saw what Rabbit was referring to as he muttered, “What fresh Hell is this, Dear Rabbit?...”

“I don't know, Mr. WarBeast”, said Rabbit tersely, her tone serious and wary, “I counted twenty-eight of them, all on a intercept course with us.. and they look like giant swimming turds... I really don't want to fight a bunch of icky killer turds, Beasty”

Focusing on the closest one, WarBeast's brow furrowed as his eyes studied this unknown menace intently. Where Rabbit's hearing and sense of smell was far more keen than his own, his eyesight was far sharper and he could see much further than her. This higher level of visual acuity gave him a far more detailed look at this new menace, allowing him to dispel at least a smidgen of Rabbit's concern, “I don't think you have to worry about that, Dear Rabbit. These are no repulsive shit-golems advancing on us. From what I can tell, it appears they are some kind of deformed alligator-like creatures... Weird and really big...”

With the looming crocodillian threat moving ever closer, WarBeast scanned his surroundings in an attempt to determine the best way to fight so many deadly creatures, hobbled as he was by the thick deep mud that seemed to willfully grip his feet and legs well above the ankles and the longer he stood in one place, the deeper it tried to pull him down.

Were he not encumbered so, he would not be nearly so concerned, but they were coming from all directions, and he wasn't sure if could get turned around in time to ward of an attack from the rear and still guard against attacks from the front, not mention the attacks coming in from the sides. WarBeast could not hold back a soft growl of frustration. As with everything else in this damnable place, this fight was going to be a big problematic pain in the ass.

Sensing her comrade's aggravation, Rabbit's keen mind quickly assessed WarBeast's predicament, and just as quickly had the solution. “Mr. WarBeast, I know this gooey mud has your feet all bogged down and you can't cover all directions like you need to. I don't think I would fare any better on the ground either, however, as you know I am quite the nimble Rabbit and the spikes you can make pop out all over from this sexy armor of yours, are perfect for such an agile creature as I am to swiftly climb from one side of you to another, far faster than you can turn around in this stinky mess. I won't let any of these sneaky back-biting turd-gators get you!”

The soft sinister laugh she heard escaping through the clenched teeth of WarBeast's vicious smile told Rabbit that he was extremely pleased with her plan indeed and for the first time since they'd entered this accursed hellhole, she too smiled. For the evil and apparently intelligent essence of Gutwagon Swamp could not know that when adversity is at its worst, and their spirits at their lowest, there is nothing in the world that raises the Rabbit and WarBeast up to a state of unstoppable might like releasing their pent up fury by dealing out shockingly cruel death to those who oppose them.

When the creatures reached some preferred proximity to their intended prey, Rabbit and WarBeast were surprised and actually slightly pleased to see them raising up out of the water to stand on two legs. WarBeast was sure this was supposed to be terrifying but it had quite the opposite effect. Eight foot tall humanoid gator mutants would be much easier to deal with than a bunch of ground hugging reptiles snapping at his mired legs, likewise this made things ever so much easier for his Dear Rabbit as well.

No words or signals passed between the two of them but simultaneously WarBeast and Rabbit held aloft their deadly blades and threw back their heads in a thundering, ear-splitting battle-roar. With that, the gator-men of Gutwagon Swamp charged, coming at them from all sides, huge powerful jaws filled with sharp dagger-like teeth snapping at flesh only to taste razor-sharp metal instead. The two warriors moved as if they were one being, never once hindering the other, their movements and attacks in perfect precision. If the gator-men's primitive reptilian minds had been capable of fear, this display of deadly perfection would have sent them fleeing, but as it was, it instead sent them to a horrendous bloody death.

For several glorious minutes of profound carnage, Rabbit and WarBeast were no longer in the relentlessly oppressive putrescence of Gutwagon Swamp. They were right were they loved to be, the epicenter of a resplendently gore-soaked battle that ended far too soon as it usually did. The two indomitable warriors stood in blood-drenched triumph, gazing at what was left of their foes, bloody chunks and severed limbs floating in the brackish water and half buried in the trampled mud.

Silently basking in the glory of their victory over the gator-men, Rabbit and WarBeast soon found they had won so much more than just that skirmish. First Rabbit noticed the awful smell that had driven her to near madness was no longer detected by her sensitive nose, while WarBeast noticed the cloying hot sticky smog that had made his armor almost unbearable to wear was rolling back away from them.

And when the ground itself pushed WarBeast's heavy booted feet up to the surface and solidified beneath him, they understood. The gator-men was the last thing that Gutwagon Swamp had to throw at them and when the brutal creatures proved no match for the two warriors, the swamp knew it too was no match for such indomitable will as possessed by this mighty duo, ceasing all resistance in full surrender.

Free from the encumbering mud, WarBeast stretched his legs, while Rabbit hopped down from her perch to inspect their now rather pleasant surroundings. In the absence of the noxious fog of reeking swamp gas, Rabbit saw a well-defined path heading off behind a copse of vine-festooned trees and excitedly pointed it out to her beloved companion.

For the first time since entering the swamp, Rabbit and WarBeast walked side-by-side, following the path until it ended at a small temple of weathered stone. Strange glyphs of unknown meaning that were carved into every stone, so worn with age as to be nearly erased, informed the two warriors that this was an ancient place that was once so important to some long forgotten civilization that they had guarded it with an enchanted swamp so foul that in the thousands of years since the time of its people, they alone were the first to enter this sacred place.

Of course, none of that really mattered to Rabbit and WarBeast, thus there was really nothing for it but to loot and plunder the old building of everything shiny, sparkly or sharp, and indeed there was plenty of that. Far more than they would have ever believed had they not seen it for themselves.

For once, the stories and rumors were an understatement. Large bags filled with precious gems and gold lined the inner walls, each of them should have weighed so much that WarBeast would've only been able to carry four or five of them at most and with great effort, but when he lifted one of the bags by its drawstring, he discovered that it was as light as a feather. Apparently, the bags had been given quite the helpful enchantment. Sometimes on rare occasions mages surprised him by using their arts for practical purposes.

“Dear Rabbit? If we were strategic in how we tie these bags to my armor, we could carry all of this vast wealth out of here and retire to a life of ridiculously opulent leisure, living out the rest of our days lazing in luxury....” WarBeast said as he gazed at his beautiful blood-splattered companion as she stowed a belt which sheathed six faintly glowing daggers in to her backpack. The sparkle in his eye told Rabbit that he knew what her response would be and it was exactly what he wanted to hear.

Beaming with the satisfied elation that she always felt after a hard won victory, Rabbit asked, “But what fun would that be, Mr. WarBeast? To me, that just sounds so awful, awful boring!”

“I would have to agree with you on that, my Dear Rabbit.. It would be intolerable indeed.” said WarBeast, as a huge ornate case of unknown composition at the opposite end of the room caught his eye. “I say we take at least a bag or two, perhaps three and over the next handful of weeks, we blow all of it on booze and food and worthless baubles, then see where the fates lead us from there. What do you think?”

“I think that is such a perfect plan that had I not heard you speak it, I would have thought I was the one who came up with it, my dear Mr. WarBeast.” said Rabbit cheerfully, as she followed him across the room to where the strange case stood against the wall.

WarBeast felt drawn to it, as if the fates were again directing his hand as he ran his fingers over the strange markings carved into the front.. which was apparently exactly what he was supposed to do, as no sooner had he done so, the case sprung open, revealing a massive double-bladed battle-axe, so magnificent that both he and Rabbit could only stare in awe until finally Rabbit whispered, “Now THAT is the proper weapon for a WarBeast...”

As WarBeast took hold of the mighty weapon's handle, he knew this was meant to be no less than when Rabbit came upon him in those woods. The Battle-Axe felt like an extension of himself, as if it was forged from his very essence. Dropping his gaze of admiration to smile down at his Dear Rabbit, he could see that she thought it was as beautiful as he did.

“That sure is one pretty axe, Mr. WarBeast... I'd so love to see you use it on something that deserves to be chopped in half, but I don't think there is anything here that fits that description.” said Rabbit, her nose twitching cutely. “Do you think we could get the hell out of here and spends lots of this treasure drinking away the memory of how stinky this adventure was?”

“That is a most splendid idea indeed, my Dear Rabbit, and might I say those luminescent throwing daggers you found just feel special to me for some reason.. like they're your reward for getting through this cesspit of the nether-realms. We already know they're enchanted, as in my experience, blades don't glow pale blue like that on their own. Even though I'm no mage and have no secret adeptness at identifying enchantments on weapons, I just KNOW they're very special and they were meant to be yours no less than this was meant for me... My Mighty Battle-Axe.” said WarBeast in adoration of his new weapon, as Rabbit tied three bags containing vast riches to the spikes on her beloved Beast's back.

Upon stepping outside of the temple Rabbit leapt up to her perch on WarBeast's shoulder as he rested the haft of his new battle-axe against his other. It was then that he knew many years later he would look back on this moment as one of his most cherished, for on one side, he had the perfect weapon and on the other he had the perfect companion. There was nothing more he could ever want in life...

…except perhaps to forget the awful stench of Gutwagon Swamp.