Have you ever sat and wondered why it is that you are different than everyone else? Why everyone around you appears to be so happy and then there is you? Why everyone else seems to have everything all figured out and then there is you? Ok well if not then you may was well stop reading this damn blog now, if you have feel free to continue reading and maybe find something that you can relate to along the way.
I sat for a long time today thinking about the people I know as well as about some people I do not know and well, comparing my life to theirs I guess. I don’t normally do that sort of thing, but I have been doing many things lately that I normally do not do, so this wasn’t a huge shock or anything to me. The things that I was comparing made me look closely at my life of course and see what I have done and what I still have yet to do and what I hope to accomplish. How have I managed to live 30 years and really have nothing to show for any of those years except a child?
See here is what I was thinking. I see my friends who have these wonderful families, not all of my friends, but many of them. They have the loving husband who adores them and they have the children that are not exactly well behaved but normal acting children. They have the house and the pet and the cars and the life that people strive to live. These seem to be the friends of course who never realize just how great their life really is, they are the ones who complain because they don’t have this, or the husband done that, or the kids need this, or if I could just have that I’d be happy. Then I looked at my friends who are not in happy family situations but are “stuck” in unhappy ones. These are the ones who try as they might just can’t seem to find a way out of the situation they are in, just can’t seem to escape the hell that they have grown accustomed to. These are the people who though they are taken care of in the financial manner they are severely neglected in every other area of life. These are the ones who trade one “luxury” of life for another.
I know financial stability should never be considered a luxury in life and neither should love but the fact is that they both are when you think about it. You fight your whole life most often to get those two things and many people still never get either. Then there are those such as my friends who have to choose between the two and when it comes to a family chose the financial over the emotional. When you have children to care for then there is no question about which you chose. The old adage that all you need in life if love is really just a bunch of bullshit in the end. Oh, so is the one that says that money can’t buy you happiness because let me tell you I would be a hell of a lot happier if I didn’t have to stress and worry about paying my rent, paying my bills, buying groceries, making payments on this or that, or just buying my son the things that he needs in life . . . Yeah no way that money would help there huh?
Anyway, so back to the family thing, yeah I have none really. I have a mother who by all accounts is insane and should be in an institution. I have a sister who lives a half an hour away from me but I rarely talk to because her fiancé hates me, which means I rarely see my niece as well. Then I have my son. I love my son more than anything else in life, but he doesn’t have much use for me anymore. I have raised him to be an independent and free willed person which is what he is now. He lives his life and sometimes he allows me a glimpse into it.
I have no adoring husband to help care for financial matters, or emotional matters, or any matters at all really. I have a lonely apartment that I spend too much time in lately. I don’t even have a pet that lives with me anymore . . . How sad is that?! Never mind don’t answer that.
I had this plan a few weeks ago that since I was interested in a man I was going to go after him. I was going to do what I could to make him a part of my life. Well, here it is a few weeks later and I have failed at that so now I have quit. I decided that it is best to just leave well enough alone. I am not going to chase this man anymore, I am debating on whether I should even initiate any more conversations period with him. Maybe I should just sit and see if he wants to connect with me, if he does then he will make some sort of effort. Yeah, that sounds like an idea. I have done everything I can at this point so now I can only leave it up to him.
Do you know what I think the problem is? I’m just not the type of person that men are attracted to. I am fun to talk to, fun to hang out with, but just not attractive. I’m growing use to the idea really . . . I don’t like it, but it is growing on me. I will be able to live with this fact eventually. I would say that I will become the crazy single cat lady but since I am not a fan of cats then that really isn’t going work for me. Maybe I can just be the crazy single lady who all the kids think is a witch because she never leaves her house . . . No one has seen her in ages, she must be a crazy old witch . . . Yeah that sounds nice. Hmm, how old do you have to be for that to take effect?
Oh, alright I am done for the evening I guess. I hurt and I want to get away from the computer it depresses me lately as well. So, until next time . . . . .
