Some signs that you, yourself, may be a Redneck Pagan...
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,
Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your children and your dog have the same magical name (Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
You may be a redneck Pagan!
If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500....
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
You might be.........
Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT neccesarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well......
Now if you Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...
If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl...
Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's",
or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
You are definately a redneck Pagan!
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess,
Or if you have EVER worked love magick on livestock......
...AND FAILED....
You are definately a Redneck Pagan!
And another take on it:
If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
If you pronounce "athame" as "athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your 'Long Lost Friend' really IS....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
If you call the quarter by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipemnt on the back....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
If your pickup truck has an athame rack....
If your crystal ball made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spitoon on her altar....
You just might be a Redneck Pagan!
