Icarus's blog: "Somantics"

Today I got written up for my snarky emails.
I used this opportunity to come back swinging.
I cut my manager down, I used every trick in my playbook
hostile body language
intimidation
mindtricks
traps within the conversation and previous conversations/expectations
accusations that were rational to to assume even if I didn't really believe them

I had him shaking
literally shaking in his chair
red in the face
sweating in a cool room
and unable to make eye contact.
At one point he said he was uncomfortable and intimidated and thought it might be best to call his boss in to mediate.
I encouraged it. I welcomed the idea of having two managers to berate. There was always that remote possibility that my boss' boss would side with me anyway.

Then I played the sympathy card
I even rubbed my eyes and squeezed my throat muscles together to sound choked up
course
it helped to bring up some of the worst memories of my own life to drive the point.

I accused him of wasting my time
of not acknowledging the hard work I did and only focusing on the one offense he could even feasibly use to get me out of the way
and when he mentioned that he had been accused of "managing people into quitting"
I didn't let him finish defending himself
and said
That accusation itself speaks volumes about your character

The offense?
An email that was forwarded erroneously to a state worker in a context and conversation that my manager and I were having
that had no bearing on them
had nothing to do with them
was registered as a complaint from them because I was not "conducting myself professionally"

I saw it as an excuse for my manager to escalate his own issues with how I've been calling him out as the useless psychofantic eunuch that he is and since I had already received a warning for state getting these emails- and the email was directed at HIS incompetence
he'd go ahead and stack it on so it'd go from 2 seperate informal coached incidents straight into a written warning on my record

I asked him if it'd be better to quit now so this wouldn't be on my record before I signed receipt and acknowledgement of this meeting
he said it already was (without my consent)
I objected to that.
I asked him if he had ever eaten dog food because of this job market
because I have

he didn't know how this was relevant to this conversation
perhaps misreading my tactic of forced guilt as momentum for his power trip
and I informed him that it has everything to do with it
this is my livlihood, this is my reputation and you are smearing it with an offense that has no relevance to my job or my performance (which is really god damn high by the way).







Also, I ripped him a new one about driving this and not productivity since
spoiler alert
KHPA is talking about filing for breach of contract since my employers aren't meeting the IMPOSSIBLE goals they had to agreed to without full knowledge of what they were promising.

Working 30 people under the original bid
instituting new technology and new processes every fucking month
and generally working these people 100% of the time and micromanaging every single move
yeah
its gonna dick up production.

So

when I thought about it
and I thought about the fact that overtime is going to be
mandatory soon
I realized I was not only backed into a corner and (that's never a good idea with me, I don't like being threatened neither do you)
I was on a sinking ship.

I used the sinking ship metaphor several times
and not only is my sink shipping (heh)
but my employers and managers are also setting that ship on fire as it goes down.

I'm not sure why, but they're definitely not part of the solution.

I was on an adrenaline high after that
and
surprise my manager "had another meeting in 8 minutes"
there's always another meeting in 8 minutes
and I wasn't done talking
and I hadn't even really decided if I had just quit or not
I walked out without a word
my benevolent leader offered me a few minutes to "collect myself"
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror for a few minutes

and I really didn't like what this job was doing to me
every aspect of it is out to cut me.

I dunno how long I was in there.
I don't remember how pissed I was.
I do remember that as I walked out of there
in my old darth vader mode from highschool
(seething aura, dour face)
my manager started to pull the door open as I was stepping out
he jumped back
gasped and flailed his hands a bit.
"Jesus you scared the crap out of me"
I chuckled in acknowledgement.

You don't even know the half of it.

I went back to my desk for a bit.
About an hour
tried to work again
tried to help the family that I had left open when I was called in for that circus

I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
So I started systematically shutting down my programs
wrote an email to my boss and boss' boss
"I'm leaving early, for obvious reasons. I can't focus on case work right now.
I may or may not be back tomorrow"

Only two coworkers were around because the rest of my team was in training
I told them both that I had been written up
they both knew it was bullshit without even hearing about it
and they both knew it was because I was sharp, and passionate and spoke out about something I believe in.

I put my Kampfer and Zaku in their boxes and put them under my arm, grabbed my PSP and headphones
and walked out the door.
I really didn't know if and when I'd be back.
I was more tired than mad.
Tired of doing every decent outspoken thing I could against the sabatoge and nastiness
the sucking up and the vileness
Without going completely over the top
I had done everything I could for myself and for my coworkers.
And I just didn't want to fight any more
not for a sinking
burning ship
where my highest position could be squab in a sea of squab

It was the good fight, but it was a fight with no prize.

I got my transcripts pulled up some internships and KS gov jobs, applied for a new employment number

Then cute mexican girl called me
and we caught up

She had some good advice.
She's got drama.
Drama made me chuckle.

Then I called the folks and my brother
Dad says quit and don't come in tomorrow because the climate will be hostile and only going to get worse
mom says wait til you get another job lined up
bro says wait til you get another job lined up and s~crew with my employers til I'm out

I like my brother's idea the best so far.

I know I'm not going in tomorrow.
I just don't have it in me, and I don't want to be caught off balance with any new accusations or bullshit.

that and ideally I'll have the time and energy to get more job searching and letter/resume writing done tomorrow.

I just can't stay at a job just because I'm scared of being destitute again.
Been there done that
nearly killed me.