Dear You,
I want to cut your throat. I want you to feel like I did when you raped me of my innocence. I remember how hard it was to breathe after you had your way with me, time and time again. Sometimes it's still difficult for me to breathe. I was a child when it began. I remember how I made my dolls do what you did to me as a plea for help. Nobody caught on. Nobody saw what I was trying to scream. People asked me if I was being abused, but I protected you out of fear. You told me a million times over you'd kill my roots of life if I told. I never did. I kept silent to myself and turned the anger within. I turned to several forms of self destruction. I tried numerous times, from the age of four and on, to take my own life. Remember when I was in the middle of that busy street by our house? I was hoping a car would hit me so I could disappear. I felt dirty. I felt like I was nothing. I felt like I deserved what happened to me. What I never realized is that *I* was not dirty. *I* was not oblivion. *I* did not deserve a damn thing that happened to me. You didn't either. I know the cycle of abuse is like a candle. You light it and it starts a fire. The fire goes out, but it can always be lit up again. You chose to light it up. You could have chosen to let that candle be. You could have chosen to let me be happy. You could have chosen to let me live a life as normal as possible. Instead, you took your anger and you burned my innocence to it's death. Have you no remorse? I hate how you look at me now without the will to apologize. I am centering myself now in the winds that blow outside. I am vowing to myself that I will not light that candle. I will never be to my child as you were to me. Instead she will grow up loved. She will keep her innocence. She will know that her father will NEVER be anything less than a man. A real man would never do his child the harm you did me. I vow to myself I will marry a man who is full of love, kindness and patience alike. You will be watched like a hawk when you are around my daughter. You will never be left alone with her. People may say I am your daughter, but I am not. I am the daughter of the Earth. I forgive you for your sins, but I do not allow you to hurt me ever again. I remain cordial with you because I am strong and family oriented. You have been forgiven by others as well. I see you as a lost soul. I do not seek to find you as I once had hoped I could. I wanted so badly to find you behind all the pain, but I am realizing now that you will not let go. I choose to make peace with the past. What happened taught me a lot about life and about myself. I choose to look at all the pain as being my reason for being stronger. You do not know my strength. You do not know my strength. You do not know my strength, but I do. I know I am too beautiful to stay wounded, so painting myself wings I am with these words. I open myself up to the world, knowing there are many like me who need be heard.
With No Regrets,
Me
