THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional
Irish aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips,
his mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the
ride." His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement
of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife,
enticing her with gentle words of passion - "Any chance of me
hole then love?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited
by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips
sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy
reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever
fuck off!"
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of
the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts
provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side
down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his
hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient
Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go"
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant
8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a
trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is
very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to
be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of
encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly
"It never happens to the Milkman". Oral sex is a great
favorite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a
cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round
dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to
her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on
then", she says "but don't disturb me".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as
the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.
Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he
may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've
shot me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up
for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving
compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest
woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the
Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken
dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is
speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a
kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if
they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word
of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his
level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should be
a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This
takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy."
Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep and
commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world
performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the
kingdom of sex.
