Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

This isn't my usual blog type, but then I haven't been my usual me this month. Please, if you're going to read it, keep in mind that I wrote this for me, only the last paragraph is for the rest of you. I do so love you all, and I hope the mushiness will not make you think less of me ;)

I had this habit of settling for things. I settled for jobs i didn't care about, apartments i didn't want, and relationships that lacked passion. I'd watch people that were happy with their lives and see that they settled for something and figured that maybe settling was what worked. It's not though. They may have settled on one thing, but they didn't settle on everything.

So maybe they didn't have the house they wanted; they still had a husband they didnt want to live without and a job they felt was worth something. If they had a job they hated, they still had the love they needed and the lifestyle they wished for. If they didn't have the passion in their marriage, it was because they cared more about the other aspects of their life and their wife or husband was in the same mindset as far as that took them.

Me, I'm tired of settling. I was going to kill myself last month. I took the cowardly way - the pills, but it was quite enough had I not changed my own mind on the subject. During my time at the mental hospital, i found new ways to deal with my stress, with my depressions, anxieties. Yay? They all still exist, and I try my hardest to get through it. There are still times when I think I made the wrong decision changing my mind. It's okay though, I make it through those days too now.

I realized after I got out, that I won't settle for everything anymore. The one aspect of my life I can not settle on is the storybook passion. I finally found something I want and I won't let go of. I found passion with someone that I love. Unfortunately, I am still settling right now. I've always hated the concept of long distance relationships. The distance isn't that far, but given that neither of us drive, nor have the money to travel, the distance is currently insurmountable.

I know, it's not "healthy" to feel so much for someone that I've spent so little time with in person. It's not "healthy" to let myself get my hopes up about any sort of future with someone I can barely talk to now because of living situations. I cry sometimes, because it hurts to be this far knowing there's someone I feel this way about, knowing that I can't pull him close to me and wrap his arms around me when I feel alone. Being with him made me feel alive again, safe again.

I know, no matter what happens in my life and my future though, I will not settle for lack of passion in my life. Even in such a short time, he's shown me I need passion; I need to feel as though the world beneath my feet trembles at the thought of my love as well as my lust. I need beauty, passion and love. I can settle for a crappy job, for a crappy house, in a town I hate as long as I have someone I can't live without by my side. I would follow him to hell and back right now, and if he chooses to go alone, I will not settle for anything less than someone I would follow once again.

Love your life. Find out what it is that is most important in your world. Reach for it with both hands, and even if it cuts into your fucking arms until you believe you will bleed to death, don't stop reaching for it. Life without living is pointless. Find out what makes you "live" and never settle for being without it.

~Sin