corporate punk's blog: "mindless insanity"

Feelings feelings feelings.  I hate having them.  I wish things didn’t have to be so complicated and make them come to the surface.  Things are so much easier without having to deal with them.  But that is never the case and never the way to deal with anything.  I guess I write this to express all these feelings that keep clouding my mind and make my life difficult.  Getting them out can help deal.  Getting them out allows them to exit my mind and free up the space for more useful things.  Get them out anywhere but to the person they are directed at.  Telling and expressing myself to the person that causes all this pain and grief is something I consider a waste of time.  They do not really care.  They may say they are sorry but they have no intention to help pass these things onto to a place where they can disappear and make things better.  Just as if someone that says they care for you and never really check on you or make sure things are ok.  True friends are something held in such great demand and respect to me.  Either you’re a friend or an acquaintance.  There really is no middle ground.  There are varying degrees of friendship but really its my good friends that are always there for me and I can talk to.  Not always cancelling plans or never doing anything to help when I reach out for help.  Being a strong individual but having so many insecurities and needing approval of others when I shouldn’t is such a moral dilemma.  Being in a relationship with someone knowing that you have screwed up and they shouldn’t be with you but you are glad they didn’t leave but can never get over what you did is so damn hard.  Feeling so helpless because you know the balance of everything you believe in is someone else hands and they cant trust you can make you crumble.  You cant be the same person you know you should be.  Not controlling your own fate or not allowing yourself to overcome your own guilt to allow the person you are with to know that changes have been made and you will be better than before and be the person they fell in love with is very diminishing.  Knowing you are a strong person a natural leader and failing to hold a relationship together makes you check your own self worth.  I know in the big picture im a good person.  I know I can be amazing.  I know I can make a name for myself in the world.  Can I let my pride not get in the way or my own personal beliefs block what I need to do, not sure.  I am my own limitation in so many ways.  I wont let my guard down or let my own beliefs stand down to rise up and be better then what im doing to reach the great heights that I want.  Ive let fear and doubt take control and rule my life.  The moments of clarity are amazing.  So much knowledge floods in.  then doubt comes into the picture and closes all doors and doesn’t allow new ideas in.  I have no idea how to control the fear.  I’m still battling the insecurities of childhood.  The cool popular kids are still pushing me down.  I know most of the time they are doing it out of fear.  Some do it to make me stronger.  If I overcome any of it I know I will grow, learn, and be better from it but fear is always there to stand on top of the hill and knock me down constantly.  Ive tasted success and want more of it but I don’t have the support to overcome the constant questioning of am I doing a good job.  Seeking constant approval has been a lifelong problem and trust goes right there with it.  I don’t have those supportive people around.  Building a new life from scratch and not having those people around is so damn scary.  Being anti-social and very picky about who my friends are makes things so damn difficult.  I can overcome it just have to push fear to the side.  Fear likes to ruin my life.  I still hold onto secrets ive discovered about people that they don’t know I know.  I’m so afraid of confrontation.  I just want to get all these bad things out of my head.  I want to find like minded people so share with.  I want to have good open conversations to explore and grow.  I don’t want to build relationships on lies anymore.  Living a sustainable near the bottom life is what I know.  Its what I have done and what I know.  Ive had moments of greatness and shining bright.  But, I no longer want to be at the bottom of the barrel.  I want to be near the top.  I want average to be in the high middle.