InnocentlyEvil's blog: "Ramblings Of Tasha......"

How does one forget a time so happy and wonderful, that the dreams of my remaining future life, this one time, would come true? I let my guard down this once because I really felt he was different. I thought I could see his soul as he would look at me, it was a beautiful and warm place to live in those good times. Did I ruin this or did he? Each of us have reasons but what really happened? In my past, I never allowed myself to completely let go of my feelings and give my heart and soul to another, not ever. But, rethinking this statement, I guess I would give enough that a piece of my heart would disappear. I learned that I am too trusting, have been this way all my life. I am also too sensitive and forgiving, always thinking the best of people and not wanting to believe that they are taking advantage of me. Or do I just have a high tolerance for pain. But each time I always did loose a little trust, become harder and harder, and better at concealing my true feelings. I knew deep in my soul that the world would eat me alive, take everything from me and leave me with nothing but a hollow shell. So, some time ago I began to build up walls to my fortress except this one time. I always lived through the hurt because I never let anyone completely through the walls, but of course this could be the reason my past relationships eventually failed. These pasts only live in the pictures I have been able to save over the years. Forgetting came with a little passing time, as I would have my work, or would find another, quickly, so as to not be alone, I hate this alone, always have hated this being alone. But if I have someone by my side and I only know he is there to keep me from this alone, I would survive in this cruel unforgiving world. Some time ago I promised myself, I will trust only once, my heart and soul to someone in my life. I thought I had found this one. I have now given everything to someone, that beautiful soul I thought he had, would and will catch anyone, and he caught me. I thought foolishly, I had caught his "love" forever. Now as I pass from sanity and insanity, paranoia and uncertainty in everyday life; it is like not being sure of our ground, not knowing quite what I have asked for or what I am getting into. Nobody is going to save me, everything is left purely to the individual, the commitment to who we are. I ask myself everyday, should I try to forget him or should I do everything in my power to remember him. This is a very troubling position to be in because of the pain that comes with remembering as well as the joyful moments.

Leech (lech) n. One who preys on or clings to another : Parasite A leech is a parasite that will suck all the life out of your body if it could. The only way to get rid of them is to cut them off. After doing a self-assesment, I have decided to identify some leeches in my life and begin cutting them off. Here are some examples of leeches that you may also find in your life...... 1) Ride Leech ~ You only see these people when they need a ride somewhere. 2) Payday Leech ~ They only call the day before to find out what you are doing on payday. 3) Broke Addict Leech ~ They come over because they can't afford to support their own habits. They go to where they know they can find what they want. 4) Sexual Leech ~ They only call when they are horny or need to get fucked.....( Wait...this isn't so bad.) 5) Lazy Leech ~ They come over to see what you are making for dinner/ lunch/ breakfast and then invite themselves over because they are too lazy to cook for themselves. I am sure there are many many more that I haven't identified. BUT my head hurts right now. Feel free to add any you might think of in the comment space below! Love ya!

I believe that for years women were intellectually superior to men. For centuries, women knew their power. If one were to compare the situation to a poker hand, she had the royal flush every time and he could not bluff his way to the pot. Women were treated like queens. Our doors were opened, men bowed before us and if we extended our hands, they were kissed tenderly. We have a power over men that we are no longer tapping into. We have earned the right to be equal. We used to be superior. This is the only time in history that a group of people has fought to achieve a lower position. Women, years ago, never worried about getting off to the office. They were the queens of their castles. They stayed home with their children, Had coffee with their friends , and made sock bunnies for the church bazaar. Men learned not to drop their socks on the floor unless they wanted them turned into sock bunnies. Women took care of things at home. They were their own boss. A good wife helped her husband succeed in the work place. He worked, dealt with the problems and stress, so she wouldn't have to. I used to watch old TV shows alot. I wanted that life. In the sixties, a group of women decieded that they were tired of making sock bunnies and started picketing for the right to be less than superior. They fought for the right to enter the work place. We have them to thank now for our lesser position. Because of them, women today wake each day, rush around to getting all the chores done that they used to complete in an entire day. Then they pack their children into a car to take to the daycare, run to the office to do a boring, repetitive job and then return home to continue doing chores. They fall exhausted onto a bed, too tired to even make love to the man they call their husband. Husbands, who used to get a lot of respect for taking care of their families, are now resented. How can you not resent a man who watches you work this hard and still drops his underwear in the middle of the floor and walks away? You work 3 jobs. He works 1. You clean the house while he deepens his knowledge of how to program his remote so that he never has to walk again. Marriages are failing because frankly, men have always been a pain in the ass. But when they were the ones paying the bills, they seemed worth putting up with. Now that women are able to take care of themselves, and have to anyway, there just doesn't seem to be any motive anymore to overlook all the guy stuff that is so fucking annoying. Divorce rates are skyrocketing. Worst of all, Sock bunnies are an endangered species. Save the sock bunnies. Save the sock bunnies and save yourselves ladies. Stop putting out. Sex is our power. It was always our power. It always will be our power. Remain chaste until they do our bidding. If every single woman on this planet would simply close her legs for an entire day, we could change the Earth's rotation. In the space of 4 years, terrorists would surrender. Oil prices would drop and a woman would be president. Think aout it. Think about it some more. Think about it even more. Then close your legs.

Ok these 4 letters were written to 4 completely different people. I chose not to put the names on there cuz frankly it doesn't matter. If you think one of these might be to you, message me. I will tell you. :) This is Letter 1. Dear You, I normally don't like going about it like this. It is rather impersonal and without human touch. Yet, I have felt it forth coming in my mind that I should tell you of my dreams and the emptiness that has filled my heart. I could have looked another way. Openness has never been my forte'. It has always troubled me that I cannot open so quickly yet I wear my heart on my sleeve. I yearn for the attention of you. First words are never much. A simple "Hello. How are you?" was concieved. You followed me with quiet looks and silent words at the beginning. Ours was a friendship that spoke nothing but was something. Every word that trickled from you lips, I gathered and scored across my brain, allowing the meanings to set in. Each tumble of my thoughts, you heard and quietly encased. Yet, something seemed jaded. There was a piece that did not fit. Each step toward the door is dragged along by some resistance. I dare not take many steps, because my legs are too fragile for the burden. But what do I find, as I come up to the door? It is locked from me. Why? I do not know. You allowed me so close and then turned me away. I wondered if I pushed too much or not hard enough. Silly me! Of course it's not me. I have given what I could give without allowing you my heart. What fool do you make of me, to allow such frivolity against my emotions? You would want in but shut your doors to me? "Time is of the essence." The statement rings so true. You could have me with a word, a smile and a song. But pushing I dare not do, for I am tired of pushing. Tired of you. Tired of waiting for what is next. Allow me this impatience for I can voice it loud. You could be my shelter, my comfort in my mind. You could have been my dream - as hopeful as they come. I have given up on hope. I use to believe it was true. It sounds like my heart has bled all over my sleeve. Actually it's just the remains of sorrow that has been left. I do hope you read this and allow my words in. I care for you. I have just given up on believing. Yours Truly, Me Letter 2 Dear You, Again you drag me into this realm that I chose not to be in, a thought of nothing which has exploded in my mind to actually be something. I have tried fighting it, but each time the tide keeps rushing back and silent movies play over and over again through my head. I cannot find the stop button. Why must it continue like this? A feeling of helplessness with each sound the phone makes. A weakness against the brain as my fingers reach for the source. The static - a crackle of energy, whispering your presence in my ear. Do you know your voice continues to haunt my soul? Each time the tenor chimes on my heart, dragging and plucking at the strings. Can you not hear the ache as my words seem quiet and shadowed? "I am fine. Life is okay." Do you need to know what I am doing? Where I am going? Who has taken my heart now? With each given second, emotions creep up from the bellows of my stomach, simmering and collecting remorse with passion. I am shaken. The earth beneath my feet can no longer hold my thoughts. Endless chatter can only lead to one direction...back to the beginning. Tying to leave well enough alone. I am trying. I wonder but I push my ideas away. You must know what I will ask. I know why you call. "I miss you, too." I cannot lie to you. I stay true to my heart. It bleeds a little, but staying so strong. Only I can control it. You ask for reassurance. "Yes, I am fine." But why do you want to know? What area am I filling for you? Doesn't she do that for you? Or are there troubled waters in the area you bask in? Stop. I cannot be your run-too. Our life that was once is now over. Closing that door took so much. I have no strength left. My arms, my mind, my heart is weak from the loss. Let all be happy. You are hers now, not mine. "You still love me?" Oh god, I still love you, too. I can hear it in your voice. Can you hear it in mine? Why do we do this? I can not be there any longer. Letting go is so hard, but the weight has no meaning any longer. I am closed. Our chapter, our novel is done. You say to call you sometime. "I can't. I hope you understand." I am letting our love go. Yours Truly, Me Letter 3 Dear You, It has been a while since I have come around. I have been playing myself scarce around you lately. It comes to that only because it drives me insane to think of you. I have begun to move past you, to not think of you when I need you the most. My bed feels empty. My arms feel like a void. But to each his own. I have learned to realize that you are not there anymore. It is ok and I have moved on. I have begun to look elsewhere. The land is full and plenty of willing members waiting to jump at the chance to fulfill my dreams. They are like the arrow to my bow as I shot throw the battle of dating. It is a willing game. Matched and played out like cutes and ladders. Each one dancing along the spaces and landing on areas to go up in favor or go down in dismay. Tis quite fun actually. I play the game well. I am not too open and not to giving. But wait, I am too open and I am too giving. I cannot deny that I long for the touch of human hands upon me. That the feel of another's lips upon mine would bring me to solitary fulfillment of the utmost. To be held in the darkest of nights when I wake up alone and reaching for someone....It would be nice.... I look for someone to share this with now. I do not compare him with you. For you are your own self and you own person. I need to treasure that, to not let anyone take what you had been for me to the next level of my existence. I know that he must be fair, kind, considerate, understand that I am not perfect, That I am not the one that always knows the answers, That I do occassionally screw up. I do need him to be able to hold me in times of need, to kiss me when my lips are cold and in need of warming, to grant me solitude when needed. I need him to know that my imperfections are what make me, that my emotions can get the best of me, that I am something to fight for. I am willing to listen. to bask in his knowledge, to hold him to a level of enlightment as long as he sees me just the same. I would give him the comfort of my arms, my heart and my solitary emotion of light if only he gives a bit of himself, to learn me, to feel me and understand my ways. And this I give because I am able to give now. I hope you understand. Sincerly, Me And finally Letter 4 Dear You, I don't need to be saved. That's right. You heard me. I DO NOT need you to save me. I have been opening many doors, looking for my savior, looking for my knight in shining armor to whisk me off and slay my dragons, but in the end it was me who picked up the sword. I do not need your pity either. I do not need you. I am fine with out the hassle. My doors have finally started to swing shut. I hear the lock of each as I leave gathering my things, dropping a few on the way. A trinket here, a memory there. I can move on. I can gather my feet and run down the hall to the exit. WOW! I can even laugh at my own self and the stupidity I have endured. Watch as I shed my layers! I am finding out who I am. My desires, my mind, my sexuality. I am my own muse. Each layer has started to shed baring a soul that use to hide. But now it comes forth because I finally don't care what you think. Here I am!!!! Take me for what I am and for what I do. I am everything you want and everything you want to be. I am a riddle to you, a puzzle that is so complex that you want nothing more than to solve it. But wait, I am just me. A simple, complex, confusing, sweet and unique girl. Can you understand that? Can you understand me? Oh, but that common denominator that allows for all screw ups? ME! It takes two... Remember that. You must think this is all confusing. Must be the jumble of words and thoughts flowing at once, the lashing and outspoken language pouring. I write like this. I say my thoughts. My mind is faster than my tongue. But see my tongue has better things to do. I have learned so far that I am closing one door at a time. Each door has lead me to different things, different people. One door leads me to this person. He collected arrowheads he found himself. One door lead me to this person. She got pissy drunk one night and lashed out in her bi-polar way losing a few good friends. The green door over there, it leads me to a rare person who taught me more than anyone else ever had. The purple door held my past. The door near the end holds the man who opened me up to a place I had never been. The yellow door held the knight and my dreams. The white one held you. Oh But there are so many other doors. The one over here holds my family. I love visiting them as much as I can. The funky spiral one over there in the corner opens to me as my friends stand there. There are many doors that remain open to me. New ones gradually creep open, peering out at me and beckoning a call to come in. I want to see and learn more. Can you see the understanding? As I loose each layer, Each step becomes light, and I am almost toward the door. I can see it. Can you? My hand tightens on the sword. I don't need anyone to save me. I can fight my own battles, better than you ever could. My mind is clear. My heart is light. I am a master of my own making. Yours Truly, Me

Understanding that sex isn't everything, people sometimes miss the point. Sex is a huge part of any relationship. It is sometimes the driving force that brings two people together. The complete and utter loss of control that accompanies that feeling of excitement. Yet how is it that a one can live on a realtionship just purely on sex? Can you sit back and not have any mental compatibility with someone after you have just screwed the hell out of them? I have been there. I have had that feeling of complete sexual attraction but no mental compatibility at all. Lately it is coming about that I have lost all intrest in the whole idea of sex just being sex. I want more. I don't want to come home with someone, roll around in the sheets and call it a day. Now don't get me wrong, I love having everything and anything done but I want to be able to talk the next morning. Not that awkward silence that accompanies most times. Tell me that when we wake up you are actually going to carry on a conversation with me like you did the night before, rather than just roll out and leave. Involvements of these two need to be understood. I can look at you from across the room and know right off if I'm attracted to you. My blood rushes. My skin tingles. I want to touch you. Yet - to really blow my mind, you need to talk to me. Tell me something. Get my mind involved. If our minds mesh, then our bodies can take over. Nothing is sexier than a person that connects with you in your mind and in your bed. I can make you want me, but can I also enter your mind for more than a piece of ass? Can you make love to my mind? Let me hear your voice, hear your words. Explain the way beer is made. Tell me why it is dangerous to smoke cigarettes. Tell me anything that is of some intrest. I cannot imagine going through life with someone that cannot carry a conversation. My mind needs to know that there are other things than the hum drum of life, that there is life outside of my bedroom.

My future, my loneliness, my cries...nobody hears me; nobody understands me. Trapped up inside lonelier than Rapunzel. Well at least she could talk to her lover using her long hair! I'm not complaining of my hair not being long enough or anything, C'mon I know that it can't be done. Then there is Snow White who lived with the dwarfs and she got rescued by her Prince Charming. Oh that is impossible since I'm not the fairest of them all! And I can't go and live alone...Hmm... Dissapointment. Then I remember Cindrella, but where is my fairy god mother? And I officialy hate rats so I can't be her either. I wish my life would turn normal with the "bibidi babadi boooh!" oh what ever the magical words were. Anyways that is not going to happen. Oh, what about Sleeping Beauty or Thumbelina or or or Oh, God... I was told stories that had a happy ending all my life. But the reality is my life has no happy ending. Fairy Tales are just made up! Well I know, ok? It's not like I'm like those kids who believe in Santa Claus, but I so wish my life would turn to a Fairy Tale! At least not the prince charming or ok ok I want Prince Charming I admit! But at least the 'happy ending' part... Can't I? Back to Earth TASHA! Why do u always DREAM?