*Out of sheer baldness, and an odd frame of mind, the blog that prompted the fantastic reply.*
Heartless, soulless, thoughtless and meaningless.
There.
I have summed up for you what approx 80% of the population seems to be out seeking on a daily basis. Is it because depth hurts? The eternal fear of, and sometimes longing for nonetheless, extraction? Emotional amputations leave scars, phantom aches and we sometimes carry these as shields against any further potential damage. In seeking the shallow solace of casual encounters, do we only do ourselves further harm and heart injustice?
To be fair, I recently allowed myself to develop faith in someone who was seeking just such a thing. Lest you believe I have grown bitterly cynical (GROWN??? ah ha ha ha! ;) over this particular rogue, let me assure you that I had determined upon the dissolution of my last such entanglement that such arrangements were bleeding my karma dry. Of course, the realization of this mans goals was a huge let down. I was pulled up far short of heartache, however.
The sad part was, is, that I sensed (perhaps wrongly) that this person craved a deep connection. A thousand little signs that said "I would love for someone to cherish the *me* inside of me." Isn't that a feeling that so many of us have? Is it something that we hide deep inside as we wantonly embrace random individuals and proclaim " I am NOT looking for a relationship!" Well. Let's hope not. You can only ever really just leave yourself open to the idea, actively seeking is almost guaranteed disappointment.
Perhaps I am missing the point, here. Perhaps the point is that that giddy feeling will only ever occur one time in a million whereas common lust can be taken for granted. My point is that if you can combine the giddy with the lust you have just achieved relative consumptive nirvana. Who chooses the hamburger when they have the option of filet? I understand the click, the charge, the OMG feeling that is sometimes created, and not always mutual. Still, must we turn the inevitabilities of the pursuit into our end goal?
As a formerly disgustingly bitter person (who still chortles at the eloquence Snow White exhibits at expressing all of the bleak rage within a broken heart) I am here to say that there should be nothing wrong with being open to the idea of a deep and meaningful relationship. That trust and respect make everything better, even when the everything is down, dirty, sweaty and results in superficial bruising! It could be age creeping upon me. God knows, I have had my situations and been called "a hard woman" & "a heartless bitch" in the process. I have loved with insane dedication, and lost my sympathy and coherance in the wake of losing that love. I simply woke one day to see my tattered and suffering heart laying there, lonely and afraid. Neglected, shattered and starved for attention.
I thought... Why, I would not let a kitten remain in such a sad and sorry state. Yet, I have allowed this to happen to one of the most important aspects of my being. My heart. Doing a thousand times worse than a Cambodian refugee. Whatever the rest of this sad and lost planet may be up to, I am now nurturing my heart. Caring for it, reminding it that it may sometimes hurt to hope, but to lack hope entirely is certain devastation. I have congratulated my heart on being willing, even, to open up a bit to this man who turned his back on us. We are doing okay. We are shuddering in the shadows at the thought of ever again hitting the mean streets of casual disdain for truth and beauty.
Truely, love and loss may hurt like a mother. That's mere wounds and pain. Blood stains, but fades.
Heartlessness... kills.
