I have a problem with guilt. I freely admit it. I could blame my Catholic upbringing, but let's face it -- nothing about that stuck except an intense dislike of kneeling, so why would the guilt? Alas, while there is plenty to blame Catholicism for, certainly my guilt is not one of them.
No, I place the blame for my almost pathological avoidance of inflicting hurt on others purely on my own shoulders. As someone who tends to be sensitive to slights and small hurts herself, I go out of my way to avoid bringing pain to others -- go out of my way to an extreme. When queried as to my shortcomings as a significant other, my exes all shared variances of "you're wonderful, except you need to stop worrying so much about hurting people."
While I do not act in opposition to my own nature or overall self-interest, I will, in essence, take pain onto myself in order to avoid hurting others. I worry constantly about how best to word things so as not to hurt others. Every conversation that might erupt into confrontation, I plan exactly how best to say what I need to say while still soothing, comforting, understanding. I take it to such an extreme that usually conversations where I am attempting to communicate my own hurt end with my comforting the one who hurt me to begin with!
In fact, I've come to realize that one reason my sexual relationship worked so well with an ex-lover is that he's the only person I've ever slept with who I felt didn't have emotional investment in my pleasure. His pleasure turned me on, so he was devoted to my pleasure, in essence, for basically selfish reasons. It freed me to not worry about whether he was really enjoying himself (am I taking too long, should I have showered first -- all those things you worry about) and just let go.
Yet, I know that I do take this to an extreme. That at some point, people have to take responsibility for their own happiness, and that staying up late comforting total strangers is not my job. That, if someone hurts me, and they should have known better, I am the one who should be comforted. That I need to learn to speak up better when I am hurt, and not hold back because admitting my own pain would hurt someone who cares enough about me to not want to hurt me.
So, where's the line of personal responsibility? Obviously, the world would be a foul place if everyone went around not caring about inflicting pain on others, but where's the line between selfishness at all costs, and allowing your need to take care of others to inhibit your own personal growth?
