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Ok here's the deal. I am a lychanthrope. I know you guys are laughing at me right now and it may be all the cold medicine I'm taking (I'm really sick today) but I really believe I am going through an animallistic metamorphosis (Damn! That's a lot of big words! Hope I spelled them right). Sit dow, grab a cup of coffee or your favorite soft drink and read my story. I must warn you though....it's not for the faint of heart.
I was at my brothers house the other day playing Risk (Shut Up!!! It's a man's game!) when my 3-year-old son announced he had to pee. My niece was in the upstairs bathroom and the only one available was in the basement. Now being the amazingly wonderful father I am I had to go downstairs with him so he could relieve himself because every self-respecting three-year-old knows all monsters stay in the basement waiting for kids to come down there to use the bathroom so they can eat them.
Now I know you're thinking "Gee Doug, this seems fairly harmless to me so far" but there's more.
We get down there and he pees while I stand guard of all the monsters. Halfway through his stream I hear "DADDY!!! What is that?!" I turned half expecting to be explaining that most pee is yellow when I noticed he was pointing (with his finger) at a plastic cage on a counter in the bathroom.
A hamster.
Ok let me interject something here...I have no idea why my brother keeps a hamster in his bathroom. I, too, feel it's rather wierd. He said it's because the wheel makes noise at night. I'll let you come up with your own conclusions.
I realized my little boy may not have seen a hamster before so I thought it would be cool to let him see one up close.
"It's just a hamster," I said as I reached into the cage to pull the little furry creature out.
That's when it happened. The little furry rat bit me in the finger.
Saying it bit me is like saying Elton john is just a little flamboyant. The little fucker grabbed my finger with both it's paws and tried to pull my fat, 370 lb ass in the cage with him! When his teeth did sink into the fleshy tip of my index finger the fucking thing wouldn't let go! I swear I heard the little Hamster growl! Hamsters never growled before! Thank God he didn't have opposable thumbs to get a decent grip on my finger or I would be crammed inside that cage with the little hamster water bottle shoved up my ass.
I screamed and I finally wrestled my finger free of the demon in a hard, plastic, bubble and shut the little wire cage door before he could be unleashed unto the rest of the world (you're welcome for saving everyones life bye-the-way) and the little shit grabbed hold of the cage bars and started biting them like he was coming out to finish me off. I swear I could just hear him like a tiny scorpion from Mortal Kombat screaming "Get over here!".
We go upstairs and to make matters worse my little 3-year-old exclaims to everyone in the room "Uncle Ron! Your hamster just beat up Daddy!"
So now not only do I get to hear the constant razzing from my brothers about getting my ass kicked by a hamster I'm really noticing some changes. I have an urge to run for hours on a giant wheel. I looked at the cardboard tube from an empty roll of toilet paper and started wondering how cool it would be to run through it. The most embarrasing thing was when my wife hugged me too hard and two little pooplets came out just like when you squeeze a hamster too hard. I'm slowly turning into a werehamster people! I don't know how to stop it but someone needs to before the next full moon. I'm ugly enough. I don't need two front bucked teeth. And just my luck I'd catch wet tail.
