(Please enjoy this one-act play starring Queen Latifah as "Prison Guard Sister," (PGS) OJ Simpson as OJ Simpson, Paris Hilton as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan as Lindsay Lohan.)
(PGS brings Paris to her cell for the first time. Paris looks in, shocked and pauses at the entrance.)
Paris: I won't go! I won't! I won't! I won't!
PGS: Yes you will, you emaciated vacuous pox on society.
Paris: That totally cleared up last month!
(Guard shoves her into cell. Paris falls on her face.)
Paris: I can't believe this is actually happening. Is this actually happening? This cell is teensier than Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell? Kinkajou? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I want my illegal mini-pets!!!
PGS: Maybe you'll make friends with a rat. Yes, this is happening, now shut your trapper and listen. I know you're none too bright, but I am required to explain your new environment to you. This is your shower. This is where you will wash yourself and your own undergarments.
Paris: My what?
Guard: Your undergarments. Your bra. Your panties.
Paris: Silly, I don't wear any panties. Don't you think I look hot in this uniform? It's itchy. Where are all the people ?
Guard: You will be kept apart from the general prison population, Paris.
Paris: Um, like, why? That is not hot. I want to be seen. I want to meet some hot guys. I am totally not afraid of them. They can't be any scarier than Lindsay Lohan two days into detox.
PGS: Has Lindsay Lohan ever committed cold blooded murder?
Paris: I dunno. Once we drank bloody marys till we puked. I WANT to meet other people. Let me out!
PGS: This ain't a party Paris, it's prison. You clearly aren't comprehending anything I'm saying, so I'm just going to introduce you to your roommate, someone even more vilified and violence-inspiring than yourself.
Paris: Oh, no way! Is Nicole here too?
PGS: No. OJ Simpson.
Paris: Who?
PGS: He's a cold-blooded killer
Paris: What? I'm scared! Arnold Schwarzewhatever is totally going to call in a minute and PARDON ME!!!!
OJ: Did you just say schwarze, young lady?
Paris: Yes. No. I don't know. Don't kill me. I don't want to die in this stinky place in this ugly outfit.
OJ: I'm not going to kill you right now. I just want you to know that schwarze means black in German and some people consider it a racial slur. I will kill you if you say it again.
Paris: People are always racist to me too. Why are you in jail?
OJ: I am looking for my wife's killer. It's OK here, except they only serve chicken. It's just chicken, chicken, chicken. I want a delicious steak.
Paris: Ya, so, what do we do now? I feel not rich. It hurts.
PGS: Paris, you have a visitor. I frisked her and found 33 ounces of cocaine and five flasks of vodka. No funny business, y'all. You have five minutes.
Lindsay: Paris! Black guy! What up? I brought a DVD of my new movie "Georgia Rule." I see you have no DVD player or TV, so you can just stare at the cover!!!
Paris: Didn't your stupid movie get like negative seventeen stars?
Lindsay: Ya, something like that. But at least I'm free!! Laytaz, losers!
OJ: I don't like that girl. Not one little bit. She makes me angry.
Paris: Fabulous. Now will someone please get me the %^&(^(*^ out of here?
