I've noticed something.... I'm reading this book called "I never promised you a rose garden" Wow. It's un fucking real. (there's a word for ya tiff lol) I mean this girl describes her insanity to such detail. I find myself understanding her pain, and her feelings. When life gets too tough, she escapes into this world of her own. It's a created world, called "Yr". I, do not have such a world, althogh it would be nice.But, i do find myself lying, and creating a world of my own. A world where everyone loves me, no fighting, no bullshit... just, happiness. I enjoy escape. And i wonder sometimes, if thats what the cutting is all about.... this girl describes cuting herself with a tin lid... "no pain, just feeling her flesh resisting" although not word for word... but we all feel that. by we all, i mean those of us who cut. I learned my BFF and i use the same technique. We use the side of the blade. The corner. Otherwise, you can't even feel the cut... too clean. Yet still, very little pain. Adreneline maybe? Who knows. But, I find solice in knowing, i can feel something. When my world gets unbearable. I leave. i pretend things are ok. Not made up people, only made up events. I cannot recollect conjuring a person into my world. Maybe I have? As long as Tiffany is real, i think I'm good... God i hope she is, or man, I really am schizo. I dunno.... i just, for some reason, have begun to derive pleasure from pain. My own and other's. But, not always. Being with Tiffany, this past weekend. I hate seeing her in pain. I want to make her world perfect. While mine is so fucked up, i can't do that. But, I feel pain. So much pain. All of it emotional. When I inflict pain upon myself, i feel happy. Other people find it strange. Odd. Grotesque even. Bu as I tolf tiff... we are our world. It makes us who we are. We could be cracked out whores on sheridian... but we have our own lives... we have accomplished something, many people cannot. People smoke, drink, do drugs... have sex... exercise... all trying to cope with things... everyone has problems, stress... issues... some people bottle it up, some people wont admit it, everyone had their coping mechanisms. Ours is cutting. We aren't dying. We aren't killing anyone... it's an extreme personal form of scarification... which tiff and i SOOO have to do now. But, to me, my scars are just the external of the scars i bear internally. My life is far from perfect. Most days I am miserable. I try to be happy. I pretend I am. I put on this facade, everyone believes it. I am my own worst enemy. But, I'm not using drugs, i am going to school... where lies the problem? Only internally. Externally, I am ok. I take care of my children. They have all their needs met, and are very loved, and know so... Somedays, i feel myself slipping away from my life. I wake up, pretending i am ms. suzy home maker. making my kids breakfast, make lunch for dennis, make dinner... talking w/ th other moms at ballet and dance class... pretending my life is just as perfect as theirs. They believe it. Sometimes, so do I.... then i come home, the yelling begins... "WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY GLASSES?? WHY IS THE HOUSE A MESS" things i cannot not control, and sometimes aren't real problems. then i start slipping back into this made up world of my own.... thats when i cut... i can feel something. I have become so numb to dennis' bullshit that i can't feel anything... through the verbal and physical punishments... i lash out of course... i get hateful and hit. As hard as I can. Knowing, my weak as cant do shit. Can I justify myself? No. He always makes himself out to be the victim.... Terrible Robin, does nothing but scream and yell... he lies... he lies to my family, he lies to his therapist... the police, the da... his attorney, the court.... he lies. He believes his lies. I become this terrible person, which i never have been.... and then people wonder why i am the way i am. I don't trust people. I can't love. I can't feel much. I think I use lindon, as part of this fantasy world. I make myself believe I love him to escape the pain i feel. I cuoldn't make a marriage work... I know lindon doesn't love me... god knows he'll still have sex w/ me.... but he doesn't love me... some days i like to pretend he does, and use his bullshit "lexi" excuse as to why i can't be with him. I'm glad. truly. I don't think I could handle that. I don't feel I am at the point in my life I need, nor want, a close physical relationship. I have Tiffany, and at this point, i feel she is all I need. Lindon is usually my excuse my relationships fail.I use him as my scapegoat, why i can't love, because i still love him? Do i? I don't know... I hold out this imaginary hope he'll rescue me from my life... but would i want him to? god no... that would be like torturing him.... its not something i really want. I don't think. Although, we all knw it's not gonna happen so why bother bugging myself about it...
I think thats just another one of those crazy things in robin's head... no one can figure me out. I'm like tiffany... there me as the world perceives me, and then there's me.... tiff knows... god knows i would be lost with out her... (and i love you so much for that) I don't hear the usual "don't cut yourself".... i get... "i understand, wanna talk?" it's an understanding, that no one else has for me, or with me.
I can't think of much else to say at this moment.... so i'll end this...
