George Carlin's New Rules for 2007
>
>New Rule:
>
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
>don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
>them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
>doing these days . . mowing my lawn.
>
>New Rule:
>
>Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
>seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
>bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
>it to contain? Trout?
>
>New Rule:
>
>Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
>teachers are
>permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
>bastards.
>
>New Rule:
>
>If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
>dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
>grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>New Rule:
>
>Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
>eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
>New Rule:
>
>There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
>crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
>flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
>scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>
>New Rule:
>
>Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
>redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
>now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
>will be in t he morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
>Security crisis.
>
>New Rule:
>
>The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you
>walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
>iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
>with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
>
>New Rule:
>
>I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
>entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
>no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
>supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
>Joy.
>
>New Rule:
>
>Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
>spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
>"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
>praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
>high.
>
>New Rule:
>
>Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
>ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
>called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>New Rule:
>
>I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
>nuts and eat two.
>
>New Rule:
>
>If
>you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
>shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
>see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the rea son
>something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
>good enough to be a movie.
>
>New Rule:
>
>No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
>it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
>stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
>it's the white people version of looting.
>
>New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
>
>No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
>towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
>if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
>fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
>hands.
>
>New Rule:
>
>When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
>Months." "He's two," will do jus t fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
>really care in the first place.
>
>New Rule:
>
>If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
>than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
>available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do
>you want fries with that?"