In light of not allowing myself to be defined by stuff...
I'm trying to not let my lack of friends...define me as being "lonely."
For one can be alone, but not necessarily lonely.
Whether or not I, personally, can be alone and not lonely is a completely different issue.
Whether or not I can be lonely and not let on that I'm lonely, is also something different.
Actually, the latter is not something different...it's something I've always done.
I've always been lonely...I've always been in rooms full of people, but felt like the only one there. Or like nobody cared. But no one ever knew...not a single soul. And at this point in my life...as my life with someone for over a year is coming to an end...as part of me dies...the "in-love," happy, hopeful and romantic part of me dies...I have that choice to make again: Am I going to let the world see me stand alone and cry, or am I going to spend my time in crowded rooms, hiding behind a smile?
My first instinct was to find that crowded room, because I couldn't stand to be by myself, forced to re-evaluate the person I am without a companion and lover. The person I am when I'm alone...And the thought frightens me. I don't want to be with that person because I'm not sure who that person is any more. It's been so long...
But after a pathetic turn of events...where I found myself really alone and unable to even bring myself to a crowded place without a crutch or a confidant, I've been forced to sit here inside my head.
Fuck. That's why I drink so much. That's why I sleep so often. To get away from myself and to get out of my goddamn head.
Its like being in a straight-jacket and confined to a tiny cell with no windows and no doors..
