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What are you waiting for?
Looking at the endless monitor of our preception gathering thoughts like Thoth. will the internet take over and make us its drones. Has it? I should be sleeping. I could be meditating. Maybe something spiritiual to connect me back to the source. Have I lost my way in life? Have I just had a really shitty emotional day? Crying at the drop of a hat. I want to be strong. I want to be like those encouraging cancer patients that are bald with a smile. Resting bitch face was not meant for cancer. Everyone excpects you to be resiliant and bounce back. "oh its just medicine how hard could chemo be" The truth is it fucking sucks. No one tells you its horrible chemicals to kill your body and hope the cells that were bad are dead and only good cells grow back. Really the doctors dont know what causes it or how to fix it. It fucking sucks. I hate feeling invalent and unable to care for self. I hate asking for help to stand so I can walk down the hall to the bathroom. I am greatful to my family that they are here to help me. I am saddened when my 4 year old holds my arm cause she sees everyone else doing it. I want to lift her in my arms and dance but all I get is wobbles down the hall. All my girls are far too young to have to endure this horribleness. I am going to go find my che
She is everything to me, The unrequited dream, A song that no one sings, The unattainable, she's a myth that I have to believe in. All I need to make it real is one more reason. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.
The she I hear is me. The preception of me I project into this virtual world. I have a difficult time keeping up with her. She's a bit fumiscuous. When I get scared or worried they may bleed into my physical world I push them away. I am very sorry for that, some of the people I am talking about in said statement, who might also read this. I am sorry I push you away. I am currently scared in my physical life. I have things that make me really sick. I wish so desprately for a hug that I forget to tell you I may need a hug. I don't want have to ask.
Bury all your secrets in my skinCome away with innocence and leave me with my sinsThe air around me still feels like a cageAnd love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
So if you love me let me goAnd run away before I knowMy heart is just too dark to careI can’t destroy what isn’t there
Deliver me into my fateIf I’m alone I cannot hateI don’t deserve to have youOoh, my smile was taken long agoIf I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lipsAnd cherish them in parts of me that savor every kissI couldn’t face a life without your lightsBut all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not careI think I made it very clearYou couldn’t hate enough to loveIs that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren’t my friendThen I could hurt you in the endI never claimed to be a saintOoh, my own was banished long agoIt took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stonesAnd spit your pity in my soulYou never needed any helpYou sold me out to save yourself
And I won’t listen to your shameYou ran away, you’re all the sameAngels lie to keep controlOoh, my love was punished long agoIf you still care don’t ever let me knowIf you still care don’t ever let me know
