I have been getting a lot of shit lately from some people about my attitude and inability to let people get to know me. Oh there are so many reasons for this that I can’t even begin to explain them all, nor do I really care to spill my entire life story to a bunch of men who don’t give a damn one way or another what I have to say or how I really feel. So, I decided to write this and put what I want them to know out there and hope that they take the time to read and appreciate what I am saying because most of this I will not repeat just for your benefit or amusement.
Yeah I do have a huge fucking wall up between me and the outside world. I know it’s there, I put it there. That wall exists in order for me to exist. I am a strong fucking woman, I have went through shit in my life that others only have nightmares about and I have waded my way through it all. I have done it all on my own - no man by my side to help me through - no real family there to offer support - just me and my thoughts. But I made t through and I will be damned if I let someone walk into my life and make me go through some, no any, of those hells again. This wall allows me to live my life without fear.
Now having said that, yes I know the wall was put there due to fear. I am afraid of having to suffer any more in life. I am afraid of never being happy in life. I am afraid to be happy in life. I am afraid to let someone love me. I am afraid to love someone in return. I am afraid that I will spend my life alone. I am afraid that I will spend my life lonely. I am afraid to le the wrong person touch me. I am afraid to let the right person touch me. I am afraid to trust.
I don’t care what you have to say about any of these things, any of my fears because before you say a damn word about mine you had better look very closely at yourself and what you are hiding.
That’s just it though, I am not hiding anything, I will gladly share my fears and insecurities with others when they genuinely want to know them. My wall was not placed due to wanting to hide or lack of self esteem; I’ll tell you what, when you have lived a life like mine you don’t even think to worry about such petty things as what does this or that person think of me or am I not good enough. Fuck that - I like who I am for the most part, I have my doubts, fears and insecurities just like you do but I enjoy my life most of the time. The fact is I really don’t care what you think of me or how I live my life or what I have done in my life, or what I am still going to do in my life. I don’t give a damn if you think I am not good enough or strong enough or whatever you may think because I will prove you wrong if I want. Plain and simple my wall is my protective device for sanity or something that resembles sanity.
So what led me to putting up that wall? Yeah I am sure you all think you know what it is - everyone always does - but no it has nothing to do with being hurt by a boyfriend or several boyfriends. Yes it has to do with being hurt by a man - my father - but I am not one of those fucked up looking for a daddy to fill in a gap in my life types. My father killed a part of me when h killed himself and that piece of me will never come back no matter how much I cry or beg or plead. I will never be able to recover form that pain - “Time don’t heal a broken gun” (Ballad of Jayne - LA Guns). I was very young when that happened, I was 8 years old when he killed himself and yes I am still 21 years later dealing with it and will continue to do so until the day I die. I don’t want to feel that pain again. So therefore - the wall has been in place.
I had my string of bad relationships just like everyone else has in life. I never let them too close to me. I never let myself trust them fully. I never let them really hurt me. I felt pain of course, but not real pain - more what I imagined I should be feeling. I am not a cold hearted unfeeling emotionless person - I just have no idea how emotions are meant to work - mine have been fucked up longer than I can remember. I do seem emotionless to most people due to this - and trust me I am to an extent that way - but not fully. I can feel I just don’t know how - I have never let anyone in to let me find out how.
I have trouble trusting men. I plain can not trust men, even the ones who think that I trust them, I don’t, I just numb myself to it. I have had men lately tell me that they want to get to know me, that they are different than the other men I have known. They tell me how beautiful I am, or how great I am, or how much they love to hear me laugh, or to see me smile, or to just talk with me, or how they really want to get to know me and give me the life that I deserve . . . This is what goes through my mind every single time I hear those things - you are telling me this now and in 5 minutes you will be saying it to someone else. I am convinced that they are just the cheesy pick up lines that have been modified for what they think that I want to hear, because I am sure that others girls get the version that most apply to them. I can not let myself think that any of these men really want to get to know me, really want to spend time with me, or really think any of those things about me. It is impossible for me to accept any of it - as much as I really want to lately.
I do want to think that one of these men are serious, that one is genuine, that one really does think good things about me. I know I can attract men I do it all the time - just never the right men. The problem is that I may think one is the right one then as time goes by my mind kicks into another gear and that man was only what I wanted at that time. He said the right things at the right time - I am trying to find the right man who will say the right things all of the time. I have found a few recently that I would love to be able to think that they are that man - but I can’t do it. I can’t allow myself to se any possibility with any of them - and there are about 4 of them that I would love to spend all of my time with but just can’t trust myself or them.
It sucks to be this way I know. I honestly blame no one but myself. I know I am the only one who can change it and make it better - I can only fix myself - I just don’t know how. I sit and think daily on how to move beyond all this and have yet to find a solution. I hear all the time that I need to just open up - but ya know what? When you have been closed up for as long as I have - you can’t just open up - you have to learn how to - and I need to find someone who is willing to teach me and allow me that space to learn.
Alright, so that is all I want to get out there right now I guess - there is so much more - but I am not starting down that lane today.
