1819890's blog: "Inside My Mind"

Well here's a quick breif and I'll bring you right into the present. So I've had a lot of bad shit happen lately. Start back in '08 my friend died after an accident on his Harely. He had severe brain damage and wasn't going to make it, he died 10-20-08, the day after his accident. I got the call when I was in my night classes for college. Then as I believe I have posted my dogs death already on here. She was a great dog and she was pretty much my world, she got hit by a car and passed 10-22-08, just two days after my friend Jeremy passed.

July 2009 came around my grandmother had cancer was getting treatment and she ended up not making it either, she passed just a couple weeks before my 20th bday. My grandpa told me at the funeral not to cry because I needed to be strong for the cousin's so I've to this day never cried. If it wasn't for her cosigning for my loans I wouldn't have been able to go to college. She had a big heart she helped me. I seen her almost every single day for two years whether in the morning before I went to fill out applications, or in the evening before I went to my night classes, or even after my night classes to have dinner with them. I seen her more in the last 2 years of her life then anyone in my family. Every time she went to ICU or was hospitalized I was there immediately. She was a great grandmother, she's forever in my heart.

2009 was also not the greatest of years because I became a pill addict. I started off taking pain killers for pain then I was taking them to get fucked up. This went on for 8 months. I went to the hospital and my doctor many times and purposely got perscribed these pills. Along with my own scripts my at the time boyfriend had a script every month for 60 pills. So when I was getting low I would take 4 or 5 pills out of his bottle everytime I opened his bottle and hide them for myself. I was to the point where I was taking 10 to 15 pills. The last day I ever touched pills was in Feb 2010, I had eaten damn near 25 pills that day. Now here I am 4 months later and couldn't be happier, I'm still real skinny and don't look 100% healthy but I feel I'll start getting better in time, or at least I could hope.

May 31st 2010 - I got in a car accident and totaled my first car, I wasn't wearing a seat belt I hit the windshield very hard but had nothing more then a concussion. Here I sit a week and a half later and my head still hurts and sometimes I feel really slow because I forget shit I shouldn't forget, and on a rare occasion I find myself stuttering.

Now here I am thinking things couldn't possibly get any fucking worse, June 9th 2010, I lost my most best friend in this entire world, Tony Ruta. I met Tony back in 2006 almost 4 years ago. We instantly became best friends my senior year of high school, in a class we had together which was graphic arts at the career center. We would slap each other with ink sticks and just fuck with each other all the time. We always laughed always had fun. We wrote each other letters EVERY single day once or twice a day all through school. He was very sick in school, I didn't know why he didn't have any hair and why he always wore a hat, although I've been told it has to do with his immune system not being as strong as it should be. I didn't care I accepted him because he was crazy and out going like me! Towards the end of my senior year he got sick and ended up getting a heart transplant in 2007, when he was only 17. After the transplant he seemed to be better. We hung out as much as we could spent the day before Valentine's Day together for the last two years. He was my very best friend. He ended up in the hospital last summer I wasn't too sure why, but I went immediately. I found out that day that he had been living with Chron's disease. So he not only had an immune disorder, he had a heart transplant and Chron's. Here I thought the worst was over. I spent the day before V-day with him this year 2010 and if I'm not mistaken that may have been the last time I seen him before he was in the hospital. Tony once again this year went to the hospital and this is when I found out that he had cancer in his liver, lungs, and a brain tumor. This broke my heart I went and seen him a few times, I did stay with him once in the hospital, slept next to him in the bed and hated it but did it because he was my best friend and he needed me. That may have been the LAST time I ever seen him. He had always loved me and cared for me more then a friend and myself not feeling the same way found it somewhat overwhelming and heartbreaking to tell my best friend that I couldn't date him. He watched me get hurt time and time again, I was his best friend, but he just felt a little more for me then I did him. A week before he died he told me he was getting sicker, kept trying to get me to come stay with him again, and I just couldn't because I didn't want him to continuously get the wrong idea, which I feel is understandable. He confessed his love to me and I didnt know what to do. Now here I'm sitting pissed off at myself that I didn't go see him more and that I wasn't there for him all the time. I lost my best friend in the entire world, I know with all his pain and suffering he is in a better place. I will forever remember the good, and I will cherish the memories in my heart. Tony I will always love you as my bestest friend in the entire world, I will miss you greatly. We have so many memories together. Just wish you didn't have to go so soon. ~Tony Ruta 12/16/1989 - 06/09/2010~