PunkStarChik's blog: "Book Of Shadows"

I was talking to another coworker today about how things have been going down on my end. For a while at work, I wouldn't talk to anyone. I would just keep quiet. People could tell I was upset and kept asking me what was wrong but I wouldn't talk. That was about two months ago maybe?

I've been slowly talking more at work, but yet a lot of stuff are on my mind. But anyways, I was telling her about the whole deal. I  was telling her when I had this long serious talk with Rich. During that talk, I was crying and explaing how I was feeling again and how I don' tthink things are working out and that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I told him that I couldn't see us starting a family or having any kids. And he got mad at me for that. How could he even want to bring children into the world with how the relationship has been so unhealthly? Yeah I want kids...but not in a time like this.

She asked me how did Rich take it. He didn't cry, shed a tear or anything. He talked calmly and one thing that really got me was when he said "I'm surprised that you stayed with me this long" My coworker told me I should of left him a long time ago.

Even with us being seperated, we still live together. We agreed on that...to help each other out, be friends and such...we dont' hug, kiss, say I love you or anything..And really...it feels no different. Other than not being near each other.

I still get annoyed about cleaning up after him. So many damn times I've asked him to clean up after himself...really it's not that hard. He still leaves his clothes all over the living room and I trip on them from time to time. He's been sleeping on the couch and I been sleeping in my room, for...goddess could only know how long. He would never come upstairs to sleep with me before because he was too lazy to walk up the stairs..he actually said that.

He said he liked watching tv and falling asleep to it..but yet, he never wanted a tv in the bedroom like I wanted. I don't get it. He leaves trash and food all over the place. I still have to tell him to pay for his part of bills...like his car...two months late...again. One time he ignored his bills and they took his car away. That was during the time when I was going to go out fishing with my dad and I had to cancel it to help him get his car back. My dad and I haven't always had the greatest relatioship, but in the last couple years, we've been getting closer. I was pretty upset that I didn't get the chance to go fishing and he had taking the time off for that day.

I'm getting so annoyed living with him still....I'm slowly saving up my money and maybe I'll move out. I'll live on my own. And another thing that gets on my nerves is that he never talks to me. He would tell me stuff like "you assume things are all well but they're not" How the hell am I suppoe to know how you're feeling if you're not going to talk to me?? I always have to drag him off his stupid WoW to get a serious talk in. I'm just fed up.

I feel so completely alone. I don't have any good friends that I could go to anymore. Just people that I talk with online, but I wish I had someone that I could just go to...in person. I'm frustrated, stressed, lonely...I feel like I'm going to explode.