Jason Statham, Jason Statham, Jason Statham...if I want to get laid, I bring home a Jason Statham movie, because apparantly he is the hottest man alive in my wife's mind.
But even the fact that he was in it couldn't save this piece of crap. And the sad thing is, it didn't have to be this way.
Jason Statham plays farmer, a simple man, trying to make a living ...farming. But there is intrigue afoot, and King Burt Reynolds is being challenged by his Nephew Matthew Lillard.
So when Farmer sends his hot wife to market with their turnips, of course the bad guys attack.
A special mention should be made for these characters who attack. They are led by Ray Liotta, in human form, but their costumes look like rejects from LOTR, or perhaps Gwar. In fact, I think Gwar should have designed their costumes, it would have been better.
But they attack, and the real story begins. Hellboy Ron Perlman raised Farmer, so he joins in, and another long haired guy, and off they go.
I wont bore you with details, but the story follows a pretty predictable path. So lets get down to the nuts and bolts of it.
I liked Jason Statham's wife in it. She's hot.
Now the bad parts. This is not a role for Jason Statham. Yes he's good looking. Yes he has martial arts moves. But he isn't the greatest actor, and its set in medievel times, and he just doesn't fit.
In fact, the cast is filled with people you know, not exactly A list actors, but popular enough, and none of them fit. Remember, Medievel times, and Burt Reynolds is your king. Everyone has different accents. The only one who was good was Matthew Lillard, who plays a snivveling coward who is shifty, a role he has perfected. And his wife was hot. The rest...sucked.
The costumes were passable. Tunics mostly, some robes, not exactly rocket science there. But the attacking hordes, their costumes weren't good. Like I said, they should have had Gwar design their costumes, would have been better.
But the two main problems were the lighting. It was bright...everywhere. This movie had a darker feel to it, and it was incredibly bright. Which showed how crappy the costumes were. A little darker lighting, and you probably wouldn't have noticed.
The second, the predictable script would have been better if they'd have made the movie longer. They fit two, possibly three movies into around 2 hours. So everything was rushed, squeezed in, and glossed over.
But overall, it was a snoozer, and not even the gorgeous Jason Hotness, which is what he is called in our house, could save this snoozer.
3 out of 10, and thats only because of the Cirque de Soleil type tree elves, who were smoking hot.
