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Arion Berger left on a jet plane to cover the Cannes Film Festival, so Express' Greg Barber is your guest judge for Tuesday's "American Idol."
THREE IS THE MAGIC NUMBER this week. Three finalists, three songs each, three judges — and there are at least three ways I'd like to smack around Ryan Seacrest right from the get-go. Could he be any more unnecessarily haughty with his "This ... is ... AMERican IDOL" show intro? The cure for cancer will be announced with less gusto.
No guest coach today, which makes me wonder whether the show can still reach its usually high level of suck-uppage. How will they possibly fill time without a star's ego to massage? With singing?
Speaking of, Seacrest explains how the night's selections were chosen: The judges have picked one of the songs for each contestant, the faceless but oh-so-powerful producers picked a second one and the hopefuls themselves picked a third. Like those carefully choreographed family photos that were always followed by "OK, now let's do a funny one!"
» EVERYWHERE A SIGN: *Whew.* Like the Dyson vacuum of television shows, "AI" hasn't lost its suction. But this week, instead of a gaggle of star-struck wannabes far too young to know much about The Bee Gees chirping about how very, very excited they were to work with Barry Gibb, it's hometowns declaring their eternal gushing adoration for that dude or chick from "American Idol" they're going to forget in a month or so.
Glendale, Ariz., for example, loves itself some Jordin Sparks. From shouty-talky Mayor Elaine Scruggs to wavy-chanty crowds with banners to — wait, is that a billboard? Seriously? She's a singer on TV, people, not McGruff the crime dog. Scruggs bellows that she's got a fax from Simon that says Jordin's first song will be "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce. A lot of effort for an intro. Too bad that money couldn't have been donated to Idol Gives Back.
The song's smidge too little-girlish a selection, which I guess feeds into the show's "she's just a teenager, dawg" mentality (watch her performance here). The vocal's on-target, and she's got a great presence, although I hope wardrobe will be kinder to her for the next song — her dress looks like a shower curtain.
Randy compares her to Beyonce.
Paula attempts playful banter with Simon, then slurs "sssssagreatwaytostartheshow" as she leans in so close to her mic that it's now illegal for anyone under 21 to talk into it.
Simon didn't like the arrangement. Jordin attempts to respond, but she's cut off by the music — like a guitar-powered cyclone, that thing is — then by the unsilenceable Seacrest. "You didn't like your own choice," he says to Simon mockingly. "I didn't say that Ryan," Simon responds huffily, "I didn't like the arrANGEment." Then Jordin mocks the song juuuust a little. Simon isn't pleased.
